Magic Eye Picture

Title: Magic Eye Picture
Date: Not sure
Category: Irritation
Current Status: Recycled

Remember these $%#*ing things? Somewhere, buried in the static, is some picture that will magically appear in 3D if you can make yourself cross-eyed enough. I used to be able to do these fairly well, but man they were annoying. I can remember that there would be one in the comics section of the Sunday paper every week and my dad and I would try and figure out what the hell they were. I also remember there being a kiosk at the Parks Mall in Arlington that sold large, color magic eye pictures, presumably for framing. Because hey, nothing says fine art like a picture your house guests have to stare at like idiots for several minutes before they can tell what it is.
I can't tell what this is for sure. I think my dad got it from somewhere and made photocopies. I think I might have the image in this blog upside down, but I'm not sure. I saw what looks like "ad3" which could be a reference to this ad company. Again, I'm not sure. Now we can do an experiment to find out if a computer scanned image of a magic eye picture can be seen on a computer. I think you are supposed to stare at the spot between the two dots for 15 seconds and then pull back while keeping your eyes in whatever messed up focus they were in while staring at the dots.
One thing I can tell you, it's not a sailboat.

Irish 5 pound note

Title: Irish 5 pound note
Date: 1994
Category: Cold Hard Cash
Current Status: Trying to trade for a pint o' Guinness

For some bizarre reason, I fell in love with all things Irish back around 1993. Why? I don't know. But my room started looking like the St. Patty's Day Dollar Store. I had flags, signs, T-shirts, trading cards of the Irish National Football team, leprechaun images, Irish music CDs... I was about as touristy as one could get without actually being in Ireland. Hell, at one point, I actually subscribed to a weekly Irish-American newspaper.
One day, I was at the airport. I was waiting for my mom and sister to get back from Kentucky (I think). For some reason, their plane was coming into the same terminal as international flights. At any rate, back in those carefree days of the 1990's, you could wait at the gate for people to get off the plane and you didn't have to take off your shoes when you went through security. So, I was killing some time and I saw a currency exchange booth. Since I was obviously mentally unbalance at that time, I thought it would be fun to spend some of my hard earned American dollars to buy some Irish currency that I would never spend. The lady at the booth seemed confused, but she sold me a 5 pound note. I think it cost me nearly $10 with fees. And then I took it home and hung it on my wall.
My love of the Irish dissipated during the time I worked at the Bull & Bush pub. About 90% of the Irish I met were arseholes. Hopefully when I get a chance to actually GO to Ireland, I'll meet some of the non-arseholes that must be there.
I've added my own text to the note as a lame attempt at discouraging counterfeiters. I think the fact that the Irish use Euros now instead of pounds might also discourage counterfeiters, but I figured better safe than sorry.

Word of the Day: Embracery

Title: Word of the Day Desk Calendar Entry for 1/25/94
Date: I just told you that
Category: Calendar
Current Status: Recycled

Yeah, I probably should have posted this in 2 weeks on the 25th, but who really cares.
I used to get word of the day calendars for Christmas. I didn't mind. They were kinda interesting. I think I saved nearly every entry so you'll see many of them on this blog.
The word for January 25th, 1994 was "embracery." I have never heard anyone use this word in any context. According to my Mozilla Firefox spell checker, it's not in the dictionary. To me, it sounds like a Stephen Colbert word or something George W. Bush would say when trying to talk about hugging female diplomats. Actually, every time I say the word in my head, it's W's voice.
I now hate this word.
Actually, W and his boys might have actually tried embracery at some point during the last 8 years.

Mystery Item!!!!!!

Before I reveal what this is, can you guess? Hmmmm? What is this? What could it be? Is it chocolate? Is it a rock? A part of the Dead Sea Scrolls? It hung on my wall for years. Does that help? Do you give up?



Title: Piece of Cheese
Date: Sometime in the early 90's (probably 1992 or 1993)
Category: Food
Current Status: In the trash

That's right... this is a piece of cheese. Or at least, at one time it was a piece of cheese. Now it is a brittle, dark brown thing.
Why in the hell would I have this? Well, back during the 90's, Ray and I played a lot of tennis. We started haveing "tournaments" every time we played and the winner would get something stupid. This was the trophy in the legendary "Piece of Cheese Classic." Since it was an important reward, I put it in a Ziploc bag (Yellow & Blue make Green!) and push pinned it to my bedroom wall. It remained there for many, many years. It slowly turned a yellowish brown and dried out. At some point, it ended up in the attic and this is how I found it.
Ray and I had lots of tennis tourneys. Most of them were just the two of us. A couple of times, we managed to get an extended tournament with somewhere between 6 and 10 people and it was the annual "Abe Lincoln Classic." Those were pretty cool.
Man, I wanna play some tennis again!

Here's a closer picture of the current piece of cheese. It's still in it's original single slice cellophane!

The Hatley's Set List for 11-9-96

Title: Set List for The Hatley's show
Place: John Brown University
Date: November 9, 1996
Category: Live Music
Current Status: NOT being submitted to the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame

The Hatley's. Surely you've heard of them, right? Stephen Zedler, Jonathan Kendall, Christopher Venters, Brian Roberts, and the infamous Douglas B. Hollywood. Together, they were one of the greatest rock bands to ever plug into amps in Siloam Springs, Arkansas.
Back in '96, Ray and I decided to take a road trip to see some friends at John Brown U. If you couldn't guess, some of these friends were the guys in this band. They were playing some Battle of the Bands thing or something up there so we were there to watch and then go out and party like rock stars.
I remember being there... it was some common area inside the student center or something like that. The Hatley's played some good music and I managed to snag a set list. Some of the songs are available from the Hatley's debut cassette "Bully" (which I have a copy of). Perhaps you can find one on eBay. Maybe the Zedler boys will get their butts in gear and release a special edition CD or put them online or something.
I have to ask though, is there some sort of requirement that all bands when starting out, MUST play a cover version of "Mustang Sally"? What the heck is that all about?

Wally Pleasant Show Flyer

Title: Wally Pleasant Show Flyer
Place: The Engine Room in Fort Worth
Date: February 19th, 199?
Category: Live Music
Current Status: Submitted to the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame

Wally Pleasant is a most awesome entertainer. His songs are largely funny little ditties about life and random things normal people think about. Sometimes they are just weird (how else can you explain "Amusement Park Death Song"?). His shows are usually just him and his guitar (and some sound effects) and as much audience participation as he can muster in a coffee house or bookstore.
I first heard Wally back in High School. I'd sit in my car in the parking lot before class listening to 94.5 The Edge and sometimes they'd play a Wally song. I finally got to see him at some point when he came to town (he's from Michigan) and played at Mad Hatter's in Fort Worth. I became a hardcore fan and started going to most any show he'd play down here. I've seen him in Denton, Fort Worth, Dallas, and Waco to name a few places. Once, he recorded a show in Waco for TV and some of it aired on a PBS program called "Texas Music Cafe." I actually was part of the show twice. He had me come up and play the Fisher-Price Xylophone during one song and then again at the end of the show. I actually have a DVD of most of that show. I'd post it to youtube, except I don't have the copyright permission.
Another time, I saw Wally in Dallas and this kid opened for him. It was Geoff "'clip" Johnston and after the show I met him. We hit it off and ended up recording a few songs. Geoff did most of the work, but I had most of the recording equipment. I have those recordings (I'm not sure if Geoff does) and eventually, they'll find their way online.
Wally doesn't get down here as much anymore. He's married with children so it's more difficult to play Texas. I'm not sure when he was last here... it's been years though. Hopefully he will return.

I don't specifically remember this show at the Engine Room. I think I saw him there twice. The one I do remember was when this weirdo performance art group opened and there were freakish puppets. At any rate, Wally is always a good show. Check out his website and bug him to come play here again!

John & Ray Ruin Christmas - Song List

For anybody that is interested, here is the second part of the retrospective on the infamous cult classic "John & Ray Ruin Christmas."

Now that I've told the whole horrifying story of the how's and why's of the creation of this holiday not-so-classic, let me now give a run down of the song selection. I'm pretty much just going off the handwritten original info book that I have with the master copy of the cassette. If it's not on there, then it doesn't exist and anything that you hear on the tape that isn't covered here is a figment of your imagination.

1. Introduction - For whatever reason, this is the only non-music track that I listed on the track sheet. Ray and I used the classic "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies" by the Nutcracker (Tchaikovsky) as our intro music. We also used on every subsequent version of Ruin Christmas. It should be noted that our "joke" about the Christmas tree on fire was really forced and sounds ridiculous... especially since we laugh through the whole thing.

2. Blue Christmas
3. Santa Claus is Back in Town
4. Santa Bring My Baby Back to Me
Ahhh, the Elvis block. Three glorious songs by Elvis Presley. Many, many people think Elvis was a fantastic singer/entertainer. I find him to be ridiculous. These three songs are fabulously goofy because of Elvis "style"... meaning, Elvis likes to make odd sounds that aren't really words, not really musical, but can't even be classified as scat. just weird, rhythmic goofy sounds.
And then there are the backup singers. Backup singers in the early days of rock n' roll were always a little out of place, but the Jordanaires just went with Elvis like wine goes with fried pickles. I get this image of Elvis running amuck on eggnog and sugar cookies, making goofy sounds and singing songs about Santa driving Cadillacs and kidnapping women. All the while, here are these guys in the back of the room singing backup in tuxedos and trying to add an air of seriousness to the ludicrous nature that is Elvis' Christmas Album.

5. Hark, the Herald Angels Sing
6. Silent Night
The Quackers from The Quacker's Christmas Album
Truly, truly horrifying. Until you hear this, you really can't understand just why we advise you to not listen to this while driving. Somebody, somewhere thought they could do an amusing Donald Duck impersonation, put together a band of synthesized country musicians, and made this. And sold this. Words do not do the awfulness justice.

7. Howdy Doody Christmas
Howdy Doody & The Fontane Sisters from A TV Family Christmas
I was not alive when Howdy Doody was on. For that I'm grateful. I realize that many in my parents generation idolized HD when they were children, but lets face it... he was a creepy marionette. Not only is he weirdness on strings, but his idea of a fun Christmas song is downright disturbing.
During this song, he hits on the backup singers, mispronounces several words, adds extra syllables to other words, and then yells malevolently at everybody to make them understand that it's a "Howdy Doody Christmas"... whatever the hell that is.

8. Christmas With the Devil
Spinal Tap from Break Like the Wind
Okay, granted it's a joke band that is intentionally "bad", but the sentiment is perfect for ruining Christmas and the song is hilarious. This one you can actually enjoy, even if it doesn't make you feel all that festive.

9. Santa Cow
10. Twelve Days of Christmas
from It's a Cow Christmas
I don't what the deal with this album was. It was bad and much of was unlistenable bad. Just not entertaining at all. And yet, there were a couple of gems that were just so odd that they, along with the Quackers, became the foundation of this whole project. Santa Cow is this bizarre song about cows in a barn that exeprience "Twas the Night Before Christmas" in their own bovine way. Santa Cow is a cow that drives a sleigh pulled by other cows and delivers gifts to cows. It doesn't make much sense and I still have a hard time following the "plot." The backup singers are pretty entertaining.
The Twelve Days of Christmas is performed by some dopey cow that has no rhythm or ability to sing in the right key. The things the farmer gives to the cow are just ridiculous. I mean... poodles?
Strangely enough, this album has apparently become a minor collectible. At most online shops, I see this for sale used at above the original retail price. It's long out of print.

11. Santa Baby
Eartha Kitt from Billboard Greatest Christmas Hits 1935-1954
First off, I was sorry to hear of Ms. Kitt's recent passing on Christmas Day '08. Largely because of this song and its inclusion here, I always been kinda fond of her.
Eartha was, judging by this song, ahead of Madonna as the original "Material Girl" by a good 30 years. It's holiday greed at it's finest. And it's seductive too... not at all what you'd expect from the "good old days" where nobody had sex and everybody was a good Christian.
I cringe a little bit when I hear us mock this song. We were unfamiliar with it, mostly. I actually like the song, but it would still earn a spot on the list for the anti-Christmas spirit of getting that it promotes.

12. Jimgle Bells
Pierre from Jacques Cousteau's Underwater Christmas
Much like the Quackers, this bit was brought about by a voice that I could do. No, not Cousteau since this might be the worst French accent ever recorded. It's the "underwater" voice of Pierre.
This is one of several times over the years that I did more than one voice in a live recorded skit. Ray, while a very funny guy, is not so good with voices. He can do Arnold Schwarzenegger and Elvis... and that's about it. In fact, everytime he tried to do an accent or something, it inevitably turned into either Arnold or Elvis. So, I had to do a lot of the impersonations.

13. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
Elmo & Patsy from Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
Earlier in the tape, Ray and explain that the songs we use are ones that either aren't supposed to be bad but are anyway or songs that you might not be so familiar with. Well, this one fails both of those. Everybody knows this song and everybody knows that its bad. Why did we put it on here? Filler.

14. Christmas at Ground Zero
"Weird Al" Yankovic from Polka Party
I'm a Weird Al fan. What can I say? And this song is the peppiest yuletide nuclear armaggeddon song you will ever hear.

15. I'm Dressin' Up Like Santa (When I Get Out on Parole)
16. The Chimney Song
Bob River's Comedy Troupe from Twisted Christmas
I really hate this album. When I was a kid and it first came out, it was kind of amusing. But now, it's just annoying in that bad comedy album sort of way.

17. Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy
Buck Owens from A TV Family Christmas
Ahhhhh... Hee Haw... one of the worst television programs ever to be broadcast on American TV (pre-reality TV era). This song, performed by the legendary Buck Owens, isn't really that bad, but it is pretty goofy. It's very "sittin' on grandpa's porch in the Ozarks" country and I feel like I need to put on overalls everytime it comes on.

18. Twas the Night Before Christmas II
Anonymous from Christmas Stuff
I wrote this back in the 4th grade. For whetever reason, I decided I needed to write a parody of Twas the Night Before Christmas. The version here is largely my original text, but there were several changes. Things that were funny to me as an 8 year old just seemed absurd and out of place at age 17.
The most interesting piece of trivia about this track is that it was recorded in one take. The Halloween sound effects tape used as the background was NOT listened to prior to pressing the record button. We just put the tape in and hit play and I started reading. Consequently, when the scary monster guy starts talking about 10 seconds in, I wasn't expecting it and was in fact actually about to start speaking. The crazy thing is how the Halloween tape and the poem actually link up in several spots. It's almost Wizard of Oz/Pink Floyd.

19. Rubber Chicken Christmas Song
Esther & The Spatulas from The Trees and Your Mashed Potatoes
This might be my favorite part of this whole stupid project. This is Ed Wood if he was a musician. I find this song so bad that it's actually good in a weird abstract, avant garde sort of way. Despite the three of us (Ray, my sister, and me) all playing instruments willy nilly, there's a bit of rhythm and a slight tune. I like my rubber chicken voice and the words are just so stupid, I can't help but smile.
The Rudolph the Rubber Chicken part was hard for me to say as fast as i needed to and so somewhere, I have a tape of outtakes where I keep screwing this part up and getting angry and yelling... all while still doing the rubber chicken voice.

20. There Goes Santa Claus
Invisible Toasters from Dehydrated
Ray wrote this, I sang it. Not sure why I pronounced "sirens" the way I did.

21. The Christmas Song
Dirty Laundry from Cowboys and Hamsters
Ray wrote and sang this. It's really a horrific song and pretty disturbing. Listening to it now, I'm surprised that Ray could be that dark.

22. Deck the Halls
Honkville Duck Chorus from Christmas in Honkville
Ummmm.... Geez, this is gonna take some explaining. I'm not going to go too deep into this here, but Honkville was a town in Idaho populated by ducks and the people who idolized the ducks. Ray and I created this thing after a History assignment gone wrong and it it went horribly out of control (we actually produced a daily paper for several months). The ducks can do anything people can, except they don't speak English. Thinking about that, it really makes no sense. They can drive cars, hold down jobs, write books.... but not speak English. Weird.

23. A Message from the King
Bob River's Comedy Troupe from Twisted Christmas
Oh look... we're running out of material... time to fill space!

24. Twelve Days of Christmas
25. Carol of the Cowbells
from It's a Cow Christmas
More space filler... we play that stupid cow song again and then a not that bad version song in Carol of the Cowbells

26. Santa's Beard
They Might Be Giants from Lincoln
A last minute addition to fill time. TMBG's Lincoln is still one fabulous album.

Additional songs that for whatever reason I didn't include in the track listing include some other Quackers songs, including the unbelievably stupid "I'm a Rubber Duck", A medley of three christmas songs played at the same time, and "O Christmas Tree" sung by my sister in ear bleeding falsetto.

Finally, I'd just like to say that I talk way too much on this thing and try way too hard to be funny. I should have shut up and let Ray talk more.