"Business" Card

Title: John & Ray - "We do Stuff!"
Date: Mid '90's
Category: Business Card
Current Status: Taped to mailboxes all over your neighborhood

Ray and I had a lot of pointless/ridiculous/funny only to us ideas back in the day. I could probably leave that one sentence as the only commentary for this post (and many others), but I'll include some other possibly related words and phrases that might give some more insight into this particular assault on sensibility.
I really don't remember the original event/idea that really led to the creation of these things. I know that we had talked about how cool it would be to rent a store at the mall and then have absolutely nothing in it except us sitting behind a folding table. People would be baffled by this and come in and ask questions, namely "what do you do?"
The answer was, of course, "Stuff."
We kinda wanted to do odd jobs and find things for people, you know, weird, unique, hard to find items that require much driving around to out of the way locations.
Renting a space at The Parks Mall was very cost prohibitive so instead, we decided to get these made. One thousand of them.
We stuck a few up on post boards and left 'em lying around here and there.... maybe used a few as a pathetic way to meet girls, because what says "I'm dateable" like a mysterious business card with only a phone number and two first names.
I still have a box of probably 800 or so left over.

Wanted Poster

Title: Wanted Poster by my patrons
Date: 2004-ish
Category: Posters
Current Status: At the Post Office

I used to tend bar at a little English style pub in Fort Worth. 5 years. Had some great times and some times where I wanted to beat the crap out of every human being I saw.
I put in a lot of hours there over the years and got to know a lot of people. I think I even had something of a following. I was the evil/mean bartender with a good helping of crazy thrown in, but that was all highly entertaining. I had a nice rep... so nice that a group of my regulars decided to immortalize me in a way that told everybody I was a psycho.
This thing was prominently displayed on the bar for a couple of years and then I took it with me when I left.
Touching, ain't it?

Martin Warrior Post - March 1, 1993

Title: Warrior Post
Date: March 1, 1993
Category: School Newspaper
Current Status: Preserved for posterity

One of my favorite events, from any of the schools I have ever attended, is the release of the school newspaper. I always enjoy seeing both what is going on in my little academic world and also see what people I know are doing. Sometimes I even contributed to the paper, adding my own touch of stupid to periodical history.
My high school, James Martin in Arlington, TX, had a monthly release called the "Warrior Post." I had many friends on the staff by senior year. In fact, I became the unofficial mascot of the newspaper staff.
The newspaper staff met during 7th period. I didn't have a class during that period my senior year. My best friend was on the staff and the room was right across the hall from my last class of the day (6th Period Drama I). So, I usually went down the hall and hung out for the last hour unless it was production week. Production Week was when everybody went insane trying to get the paper ready and the stress levels were high. James Carroll could often be found with a pair of scissors, racing around the room screaming, "I'm running with scissors!"
The teacher/sponsor/zookeeper of the paper staff was Robbie Griffin (or, The Griffin). She was totally cool. I mean, she let me hang around for no good reason and just ignored Keithney making out in the production room. Oh, crap... I just realized that I haven't introduced Keithney yet. Yeah, I wrote all the other stuff and then came back after posting all the pictures and added this bit just before posting it so I'm talking about something that I haven't actually written about yet even though I actually wrote it earlier today.
What? Huh? Um.... yeah... where was I... oh yeah. Griffin rocked. I think she teaches in Mansfield now.
Anyway, it was a pretty good paper. I daresay that the quality of the ol' Warrior Post is superior to many college and professional papers produced today. I found this one recently, and so, I'm gonna share it with you.

The Front Page: Superstar Speedster Casey Custer gets the spotlight. I had several classes with Casey. She was pretty amazing. I think she ended up running at Florida State. I always thought I might see her in the Olympics one day.
Bottom right photo of Casey by James Carroll, taken in the amazing Mrs. McBride's English class.

Page 2: Editorials. Kara Cespedes writes about PDA. Ahhhhhh.... there are few subjects that seem more characteristic of high school than PDA concerns. I'm pretty sure this one had some inspiration from a couple of Post staffers. Keith Weiland and Courtney Heritage started dating around homecoming that year and then became inseparable, often liplocked. Long before the Benifers and Brangelinas, we decided to give them the easy to say combo name "Keithney." (BTW, they got married had kids and are still together).
Girls playing football? I didn't even remember that was a topic of discussion that year. That's a goofy picture of Calvin Kuo.

Page 3: Rocky Stanzione and the editorial staff get called out for being wishy-washy and/or one-sided on the topic of abortion. No softball topics in this paper! Well... except for PDA, I guess
Suzanne Nowrooz weighs in on girls playing football and Casey Custer gets tossed into the discussion.
And Lisa Geier's piece on racism shows that not much has changed in the last 20 years.

Page 4: ADS!!!! Yay, money!
Let's see, as far as I can tell, Adeba's Tailor and Bridal no longer exists, that Mama's Pizza location has been closed for a long time, but there is still a place called Outrageous Car Audio & Customs.
Meanwhile, the Mother Daughter Sorority Rush meeting just sounds weird.

Page 5: Paul Minor (former guitarist for The Grown-Ups and the Fonk Chickens) lays out how the seniors can get out of taking final exams.
Academic Decathlon! Yay! There's my name! I managed to get a complete set of medals (1 gold, 1 silver, and 1 bronze) that are in a box somewhere. If I remember right, I won more individual medals than anybody else on the team... which surprised pretty much everybody.
Where are you going on Spring Break? Me... nowhere. And Ray went to Washington DC with some other newspaper & drama nerds so I just worked at Minyard all week.

Page 6: There's ol' Ray with his interview of the Martin Sundancer team sponsor, Staci Stephens. Staci was also a member of the Dallas Mavericks dance team and a former TCU Showgirl (she must have seen a lot of terrible football games)
Mr. Danielson. That guy could easily get a blog of his own. When I was there, he was legendary as the AP Economics teacher. "Crazy" was often used as a description of him. He'd jump on desks, shout, and do pretty much whatever it took to hold your attention. He was missing some fingers.
Unfortunately, there were also some rumors of inappropriate behavior that tarnished his rep.
He passed away back in 2002.

Page 7: Profile on our class valedictorian, Michelle Hicks. She was a great person. Shy and quiet, but nice as could be.


I'm pretty sure I made her nervous what with all my hijinks.

Page 8: More ads! Woot!
Whatchamacallit is still around, as is that specific Subway. The tan place is long gone. Is tanning even still a thing?

 Page 9: Rocky talks up the benefit to raise money for the Martin literary magazine, The Coup. Mentions a band called "Drip." Don't remember them at all.
Ray gets to do a piece on one of his favorite things ever: Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Page 10: I had completely forgotten about Telly. He's the only person I know that shares the name of that monster from Sesame Street. Telly advocates naps. Telly had the right idea.
Buy a yearbook! Capture the memories! I did! And now I can't find it!
Lea Angel/L.A. Tuxedo - gone.
Join the Marines! NO!
Mr. Jim's - gone
WTF is a Personal Attack Alarm?!?! Oh... wait... they still exist. And much cheaper now, too.

Page 11: UIL one-act play. That year, it was "And They Dance Real Slow in Jackson." I was in Drama I that year (because I needed an elective and it was the most interesting choice available) and tried out for one-act. Despite having almost no experience, I managed to make call-backs. If I remember right, I ended up being the last cut and narrowly lost out to Ben Cruz. Sometimes I still think about doing some acting, but who has the time?!?! Now, if somebody in the area does Oliver!, I might have to go out for Fagin though.
Rocky reviews Groundhog Day (oooooohhhhh... timely). I actually have watched that movie over and over again. Watched it yesterday in fact. Saw it in the theater back in '93 too.

Page 12: NERDS!!!!! Also mostly my friends. There's Calvin again (remember him from Page 2?) Behind him in the center is Baskin. Those two were this goofy dynamic duo that I think were Commies or Socialists or something. The guy with the hair is Craig. He played bass in a failed attempt at a band we put together (other notable members: Keith Weiland, Rocky Stanzione, and Ray Grabeel). Far right is Alexis. I always felt like she was "Most Likely to Succeed." I also mercilessly teased her in 5th grade. The other female is Elicia. I didn't get along with her, but I really don't remember why.
...and then there's a bunch of other congratulatory bits that I don't feel like reading. You can if you want.

Page 13: Swimming results. The only thing I ever knew about the swim team was that Gabe Werth was really good. And I used to make fun of his car.
The 1993 Warrior Baseball team. Possibly the greatest single athletic team the school has ever had (definitely on the boy's side... the girl's soccer team was also a force to be reckoned with). State Champions. Included two guys who would go on to play in the majors: Ben Grieve & Matt Blank (both Juniors). Also had one of my oldest friends, Johnny Hunter. Yeah... that was a great squad. (Trivia Time: At one time, I played T-Ball and 5-pitch with Matt Blank for the YMCA. That's pretty much my only link to anything remotely interesting about playing baseball).
Geez... more girl's football stuff....

Page 14: Basketball... I never really followed basketball. Apparently our boy's team was good and our girl's team wasn't. That was somewhat typical... our teams were usually either really good (baseball, soccer) or terrible (I'm looking at you, Warrior Football).
Tennis. Ray and I played tennis a lot in our spare time. I guess that's why he had to write this story. I might have paid attention to the tennis team more if they had tournaments like "The Piece of Cheese Classic" or played the variations we created: Anarchy Tennis and 4-Man Death Match Tennis.

Page 15: See! See! I told ya we had good soccer teams. Ray played on the soccer team for like one year and then decided he wanted to be a journalist. Now he sits at a desk and makes up cost projections for building tool sheds or something.
Wrestling... yeah... no.

Page 16/Back Cover: Aladdin Beauty College... apparently still exists for those that want to study the cosmetological sciences.
Wet 'n Wild... yeah... I associate Wet 'n Wild with pruny, scraped up feet, the smell of chlorine and suntan lotion, and swallowing water after slamming into a pool because it's "fun." That and the time that David Irvin made me wait 45 minutes to leave his dad's house to go to the orchestra party at Wet 'n Wild so he could make sure his hair was perfect because there was a girl he had a crush on.
J. Saunders... I don't know what that is.
More tanning! The '90's was all about tanning!






So there ya go. That's Martin High in early 1993. I'm hoping to find the previous issue so I can find out what Rocky wrote about abortion.

The most awesome video game blueprint ever

Title: Map of Screen I: M.I.A.
Date: 1989 or 1990
Category: Bad Ideas come from wasting time
Current Status: Sending it to EA

When I was a little kid and I became aware of side scrolling video games, I would draw my own video game ideas that usually involved terribly rendered traps that weren't even remotely drawn to scale. This continued for some time, even into 9th grade.

See, in 9th grade, I was in Honors Biology taught by Dr. June James, III. I won't go into detail on this here, because I have other material directly related to Dr. James and I don't want to use it all up on an item that is only kind of related to his class.

At any rate, I was bored in that class. Not because I found it easy, but because at the time, science just bored me. Pretty much school in general bored me, which is why I produced so much absolute nonsense during high school when I should have been taking notes on lectures (just wait... I haven't really gotten to those boxes yet). In Dr. James class, I set next to Neil "Skippy" Kennedy who had the unfortunate position of being one of the 2 or 3 people lower on the social class totem pole than yours truly. When the other nerds pick on you, that's pretty bad.

But, I was friends with Neil and for awhile, I genuinely liked the guy, even if his personality quirks sometimes made me want to punch him. So, we spent a lot of time drawing cartoons when we should have been paying attention to Biology. At one point, we had a "See who can write the smallest while taking notes" contest where we actually did take notes, but that was more of an excuse to see who could write the smallest. For the record, I won... I manged to write 7 coherent individual lines of text in between two college ruled lines of notebook paper.

Sometimes, when drawing goofy pictures and dumb Far Side wannabe cartoons wasn't enough, we'd create some craptastic thing like this. Apparently, we created some game called "M.I.A" and started creating levels for it. We couldn't fit each level on one sheet so we'd have to continue it on another sheet. I couldn't find Screen II, but I did find Screen III. If I find the rest of it, maybe I'll post the whole thing (if anybody even cares).

There's an obvious influence of both "Pitfall" and "Super Contra" to this. Apparently, it starts with the player's character escaping from his cell through an unexplained hole in the wall. Then, as if his captors KNEW he would escape at this very spot, he must choose between three tunnel things to try and make his escape. If his captors were smart enough to know where he would escape and then create death traps to prevent him from escaping, then A) why weren't they smart enough to build a cell he couldn't escape from and B) why didn't they just kill him to begin with instead of giving him the chance to escape. Villains... WTF?

So, 3 choices... 2 of them lead to death, one of them leads to possible freedom. Let's look at the certain death paths first.

Path #1: climb a wall, go into a room, and then... either fall through a trap door where you are electrocuted by an "electric beam" before you are impaled on some ludicrous looking spikes OR continue on where you must swing across a snake pit on a rope (why is there a rope here?), jump to the ledge, climb down another rope, and then get trapped in a small room that fills up with water and you die.

Path #3: slide down an incline into another room where you find a key that must have been left there by the weird looking dragon from the Atari 2600 Adventure game which will open a LOCKED SECRET DOOR IN THE SAME ROOM (why is it even locked?). Of course, this moment of pride is short lived as the secret door triggers an improbable looking gun... or possibly a giant cigarette... that shoots you when you open the door... or gives you lung cancer. I have no idea.

No, Path #2 is the "correct" choice. Here, you run down a long hallway into a circular room that has deadly "lasers" shooting everywhere. I assume they move around and give the player an opportunity to get past them, because otherwise, this is the stupidest game since the infamous "ET the Extra-Terrestrial" (again on the Atari 2600). Once past the lasers, you fall through a trap door and must grab the horizontal rope or else you will die on some other ludicrous looking spikes. If you manage to go the length of the rope and avoid the LLS, you get to jump down. Here you must crawl to avoid the physics defying "vacuum" so that you can climb up the ladder and go through the door to the next screen. If you happen to get sucked up by the vacuum, you can save yourself from some LLS by grabbing onto the "rope" that may actually be a giant earthworm. Use the rope/worm to get to another door to the next screen.

And that's all I've got at the moment. If I find screen two, I'll be sure to post it so we can find out what sort of stupid traps the player must avoid next.

Fan of The Last Supper

Title: Personal Fan depicting The Last Supper
Date: I have no idea
Category: Promotional Items
Current Status: Keeping it cool

I have no idea where or when I got this. No... freakin'... clue. In case you can't tell, it's a hand held fan, made of thin cardboard and popsicle stick type wood. On the front, it features a half-assed recreation of Leonardo's "The Last Supper." I say half-assed because it changes some aspects and has nowhere near the artistic skill of the Old Master.

For example, Jesus looks kinda annoyed here. Not really divine, or angelic, distressed or even really emotional. He really just looks like he doesn't want to be in the company of these noisy people.
And then there's the image of John to Jesus' right (viewer left) has been changed. In the original, John has long straight brown hair and here, John has short curly blond hair. Now, I'm not going to get all Da Vinci Code here, but to what purpose could this change have been made? Is somebody trying to pass along secret information via this goofy promotional item? Is this part of the church's cover-up scheme to whitewash the evidence of some crazy conspiracy? Or is it just a shitty artist who can't paint worth a damn?

I'd be more inclined to go with option "C"... I mean... why else would this guy have put Bevis in a picture with Jesus?
This, according to the back of the thing, was produced by the NBA. No, it was not given away at Mavericks' games or handed out to Lakers' fans... it's a DIFFERENT NBA. This one is The National Benevolent Association from St. Louis, Missouri. The NBA doesn't seem to thoroughly exist anymore but does still exist as a part of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) and is now the DBS which carries on the traditions of the NBA.

Oh yeah, and this was "Made In U.S.A." Aren't you proud?

Mailing Label

Title: Address Label from Colt West of Fox 18
Date: 1996?
Category: Random Scraps of Paper
Current Status: Recycled

Why the hell did I save this?

This was on a package sent to me by one Colt West of Wichita Falls who worked for the Fox affiliate up there. I'm not really sure what came in the box though, because my memory of actually dealing with Colt West places the exchange of goods in my living room.
Here's the story... back around 1996, I was all into toy collecting. Star Wars figures were coming back and I just got bit by the whole action figure thing. Playmates, who had the license to make Star Trek figures, decided to do something stupid and piss off toy collectors. They released a special edition Jean-Luc Picard figure depicting him from the fan favorite episode "Tapestry." The problem with this was that they only made a total of 1701 figures for this piece. That's a pretty small production run.
Despite not knowing jack squat about this figure, I found one purely by accident at the old Cherry Lane Target. I remember looking at the thing and thinking "That's gotta be a rarity!" Back then, though, eBay was just getting started and the web was a whole lot of lame websites and text discussion boards. So, I found a board devoted to toys and started asking around. The responses I received made it sound like I had the Holy Grail. There was really no way to gauge it's worth, though. So, I was kinda looking for a trade.
Colt West, a Star Trek collector started emailing back and forth and he had the two hardest to find Tick figures: Die Fledermaus and Man-Eating Cow. I actually collected Tick toys and these two were hard as hell to get, sometimes going for $75 apiece. So, we decided to trade. He'd give me the Tick figures for the Picard. And one Saturday, he came to my house and we made the trade.
Now, I think the reason behind the package that the above label was affixed, was that he threw in a couple of Batman: The Animated Series figures as well. He didn't have them with him when he came to Arlington so he shipped them to me instead. Of course, none of this explains why I kept this label.

At one point, I think the Picard figure peaked at about $1000. There are usually some on eBay going for $200-700, but it doesn't seem like they actually sell very often. This one was pretty much a disaster for Playmates and it's not a real popular figure. It kinda helped kill the line since so many collectors couldn't get one that they just gave up collecting since they'd never be able to complete their collections.

One other related story about this... Ray and I, who tended to hang out on discussion boards largely to just act like fools (I guess we'd be considered "trolls" now), decided to have some fun and we posted a goofy tale about going to Dunkin' Donuts and finding the ultra rare Tapestry strawberry frosted donut with sprinkles, mint in its original wax paper. Everybody seemed to like that and got the joke. I wish I could find a copy of the original post, but I don't seem to have one saved. Yeah, I didn't save a good piece of humor but I did save an utterly worthless mailing label. Go figure.

McDonald's Changeables Chicken McNuggets

Title: McDonald's Happy Meal Toy: Changeables Chicken McNuggets
Date: 1987
Category: Toys
Current Status: Recycled

You remember when Transformers were all the rage and they were on all the toy aisles and kids just couldn't get enough? No, not now... not that crappy ass Megan Fox Transformers crap where all the robots look like they were pieced together from junk found in a Fry's Electronics Store Dumpster and THERE AIN'T NO FREAKIN' DINOBOTS IN IT... no I'm talking 'bout the '80's. Ahhhhh... the '80's... ridiculous clothes, ludicrous hair, synthesized music, and all the half hour toy commercials disguised as cartoon programs a kid could could want... which means about a gazillion cheap pieces of plastic that kids would also want.
Of course, McDonald's, the soulless American corporation that can only tell the difference between the mammals they serve and the other mammals they serve because one set comes on a bun and is handed over to the other when they give McDonald's some money. Kids and their parents are pretty much cattle with money and McDonald's is damn good about finding just the right type of plastic cud to drive the calves wild so they are first into the slaughter shoot with their parents in tow.
So, back in 1987, a good three years after the Transformers first showed up, McDonald's rolled out the "Changeables"... small toys that transformed from McDonald's food into robots. Never mind the fact that they missed the point of what made Transformers so cool in the first place... it was two toys in one! You know, a car and a robot... or a plane and a robot... or a microscope and a robot... it was twice the fun. So, it seems kinda stupid to have things that change from a box of fries or a hamburger or a drink cup into a robot. I mean, yeah, it's still a thing that turns into a robot, but hell... how much fun can you have with a plastic representation of a styrofoam box? Unless you happen to be the Ozone layer or an artery, polystyrene containing fatty fried chunks of something vaguely like chicken isn't all that intimidating... or fun. To quote one of my all time favorite pizza commercials, "What am I gonna do with a box?" Think of the hours of fun a kid can have playing with a food container! Rescue kidnapped presidents by infiltrating the secret hideout in a bag of fast food! Stop alien invaders by waiting for them to order at a chain restaurant!
Anyway, the picture above is actually of the little paper insert that came with the toy. I'm not sure if I still have the toy. Probably, but it's probably in a different box somewhere.
I particularly like the instructions... because this is obviously such a complicated toy that it requires a Master's Degree in Engineering to figure out.

UEFA Champions League Final Betting Ticket

Title: Betting Ticket for the 2006 Champions League Final
Date: 5/17/06
Category: Bad Ideas
Current Status: Painful reminder of why I don't gamble

So, the first time I ever went to Las Vegas was in May of 2006. I'm still not a fan of Vegas, and really have no desire to go back, but I'm kinda glad I saw it at least once (I was forced to go back one other time about a year later).

The day we were leaving, my beloved Arsenal (aka "The team that always does better than 95% of all the other clubs, but never wins anything") was playing in the UEFA Champions League Final in Paris against stupid ol' Barcelona. Since I had some time, I thought it might be fun to try and find a place that was showing the match and, what the hell, place a bet on my Gunners.

I started wandering from place to place asking if anybody was taking bets on the match. We came across another guy who was looking for the same thing and we sorta teamed up. Barbary Coast (which really looks like late 60's dump) was taking bets. But that's not where we watched it. Oddly enough, the Paris Hotel & Casino was the place we decided to watch the match. We were able to place bets and watch the match. So, in a stupid way, I got to watch the match "in Paris."

I don't like gambling. I'm not opposed to it in any sort of moral sense... hell, I think we should have it in Texas (why should Oklahoma and Louisiana get money that should stay here?)... I just don't enjoy it. Besides, I have an obsessive personality and I really don't need to learn to enjoy something that preys on obsessive personalities. But, I figured... hey, when am I ever going to be in Vegas again when my favorite footie team is playing a major tourney final. I figured just having the ticket would be an interesting souvenir. So ponied up $10.

So anyway, the match comes on and me and this guy we met are sitting there watching it (Leigh wandered off to do some shopping or something). We're chatting back and forth and I discover that he's originally from Dallas, but lives in L.A. cuz he wants to be an actor (how original). He was once on the game show Distraction and is also a member of Drew Carey's LA Soccer Hooligans or something. I wish I could remember the guy's name, but I have no clue. He said he was rooting for Arsenal, but he figured Barca would win so he put money on them.

Our flight was in the afternoon, so I had to leave at halftime. Actor guy offered to hold onto my ticket in case Arsenal won and then he'd mail me the winnings, but I just decided I'd rather have the ticket anyway (it turned out to be a moot point since Arsenal lost).

Man, I hate Vegas....

Rock n' Roll Paper Plate

Title: Total Foxes Set List
Date: 6/2/07
Category: Concert Trash
Current Status: In the dishwasher

Gal's Panic... one of the most awesome bands ever. An Austin based band from the 90's that had some ska overtones and waaaaaay too much energy.

In 2007, Jerm Pollet and Lance Fever got the band back together and played a reunion gig at Emo's in Austin. It was fantabulous. The wife went with me and while she stood in the back, I proceeded to worm my way through the pit and grab a front and center position in front of the band. I also managed to increase my tinnitus and become a disgusting glob of stinky sweat. But hey, it's rock n' roll!

There were three other bands on the bill that night: The Total Foxes (starring Jerm Pollet), The Catfish Hunters (featuring Jerm Pollet), and Dan Potthast (from MU330). I enjoyed all of it, and bought many CDs that evening. But that wasn't enough... oh no... I had to get autographs! I had nothing to write on of course, but fortunately, I found this paper plate that The Total Foxes put their set list on! I had to borrow a pen too, as I was horribly unprepared, but I got Jerm and Lance to sign one side and Dan Potthast to sign the other! Wheeeeee!!!!

I do remember the first time I saw them... they opened up for the Grown-Ups at the fondly remembered Mad Hatter's on Magnolia in Fort Worth. I thought they were crazy... crazy enough that I enjoyed seeing them again in Dallas at (I think) the Orbit Room. I don't remember much about that show except that Ray and I spent an hour or so sitting in the back of the club doing stupid crap. There was fire involved at one point... fire that should not have been occurring in the club.

I didn't get to see Gal's Panic when the did another reunion (fundraiser) show a few months back. *sniff* Maybe next time.

Cow Art

Title: Framed Picture of a Cow
Date: Unknown
Category: Sweet Ass Art
Current Status: Prominently displayed in my backyard tool shed

Look out Leonardo! Move over Monet! Piss off Picasso! Ya'll have been Art Slapped by this fine piece of homey bovine goodness.
Cows rock... I mean, let's face it... they are a goofy animal. They produce tasty milk and tasty meat and other than that, they just kinda stand around looking bored. And yet, there is something truly awesome about cows. Perhaps it was Gary Larson's use of these mammals that injected their image with some badassedness... who knows.
Maybe it was that stupid "It's a Cow Christmas" tape, but for whatever reason, Ray and I liked cows. Not as much as ducks, of course, but they were a close second. I have a bunch of cow junk... a cookie jar, a terracotta shelf decoration, a bandanna... at one point I even had a small stuffed toy cow (named "Cow") that would "moo" three times if you squeezed it. Cow used to hang out with me in High School. Once, during an Academic Decathlon training session led by the infamous Mr. Danielson, that bum Will Chesser reached over and squeezed Cow and so everybody in the room looked at me like I was a freak. Jerk.

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure where this came from, but I believe it was yet another "gift" from Ray for our annual "Terrible Gift Exchange" for Christmas. It was really more of a competition than a meaningful gift swap. See who could get the other the most useless stuff for $10. Quantity was obviously more important than quality.

Take a look at the back...

doesn't that just scream "masterpiece"?!!? I mean, I bet Rembrandt never had the brilliant idea to paint on cardboard and add a bar code to make selling his work easier. Loser.

Bela Lugosi vs Count Chocula

Title: Special Edition Count Chocula Box
Date: 1987?
Category: Cereal Box
Current Status: Sucking

What the hell?!?!? Bauhaus was wrong... Bela Lugosi lives and he's terrorizing cartoon cereal mascots.

I have some vague memory of the General mills Monster cereals doing this Universal Monster tie-in... Frankenberry was visited by Boris Karloff's Frankenstein's Monster as well. At any rate, back in the days when I could somehow manage to eat bowls of these types of cereals without my teeth hurting from all the sugar, I used to dig Chocula (and sometimes Frankenberry... occasionally Yummy Mummy... but fuck Booberry... that was nasty).
I assume I thought the box was pretty cool, since I cut the front off and saved it, although I'm not sure for what purpose I did so. There are no obvious push pin or staple holes indicating that it was part of my awesome bedroom wall decorations, so presumably, this just went intro one of my infamous "save" boxes... boxes that served only to hold treasured crap like this and stored in the attic.

I like this picture though. It's kinda funny. I mean, seriously Count Chocula, what are you afraid of? I'm fairly certain that neither Bela Lugosi nor the real Dracula (or any vampire) would actually attempt to suck whatever bizarre sugary ooze no doubt fills your freakish body. For that matter, Lugosi's image seems to have a bit of Alfred E. Neuman in it. He looks less mysterious and scary and more amused at the goofy brown guy running away.

Interestingly, there are two versions of this cereal box, one of which caused controversy. Apparently the original version had Bela wearing some pointy star that some thought was a Star of David (although others claimed it was ACTUALLY the Maltese Cross from the Order of the Thelemic Knights or the Order of Saint John) and people complained. So they basically airbrushed the star out for later production runs. Of course, now the Star box is collectible, sometimes going for a few hundred bucks. (More about this story here)

My First Book

Title: My First Story

Date: Early 80's

Category: Literature

Current status: Currently looking for a publisher and/or movie deal



This was my first attempt at writing a book. Seriously. I can tell you the EXACT circumstances that brought this masterpiece to light.



In 1982, The Jedi Master's Quizbook was published. The author was an 11-year-old kid named Rusty Miller. I had acquired the book somehow (I was 7, so who knows how I got it) and decided that if this goofy kid could write a book (or at least, compile a bunch of trivia questions into a book), the surely I could write a book.



Having never written a book before, I was clueless as to how to go about doing it. Obviously. I didn't sketch out a plot, I didn't concern myself with any sort of planning for characters, settings, or what the story was even supposed to be about. And, since I was 7, I asked my dad to type it as I dictated to him.



I remember clearly, pacing the kitchen while my dad sat at the breakfast table typing whatever nonsense came out of my mouth. I also remember him getting frustrated as I spent way to long trying to decide to whom I wanted to dedicate the book. He wisely suggested that it could wait until later and that I should actually write the story first.



I think he got pretty tired of being my secretary and so I know I typed some of this myself. I'm actually not sure what he typed and what I typed... for that matter, I can't actually tell whether he started typing or if I started typing. Doesn't really matter, I suppose, since it all looks like it was typed by 7 year old.

As for the story itself... well... crap... it starts off as some sort of poorly conceived tale of an incredibly boring alien (Fred) on another planet. The economy on this planet is apparently reliant on sea shells that anybody can go pick up on the shore. Except that they also eat the clam shells. It must be some primitive bartering system. Not sure. They apparently have modern technology similar to Earth, but they haven't developed a monetary system that makes any sense.

The story, at first, seems to loosely revolve around Fred needing to get clam shells to pay for damaged he caused by turning over a "dirt dumper" in the Mayor's yard. Mostly, it's just dull details about the boring events of Fred's day.

I guess I got bored with Fred too because on page 4 (right after the highly ridiculous capture of a dangerous crook by Fred), the story focuses on Fred's kids, Jack & Krissy. I'm not sure if the names were inspired by 3's Company or (more likely) they are based on me and my sister. Jack & Krissy are just as boring as their father and not even the introduction of a baby can make this story all that interesting.

Really though, there may actually be two reasons to read this 8 page literary triumph:

1) It's so unbelievably boring and ridiculous that you have to actually read it to believe that it is so boring and ridiculous and

2) I think there must be some actual family problems poking around in this thing that were bothering me when I wrote this. I'm sure psychologists would have a field day.

If you REALLY want to find out how this horrible thing ends, check out the full 8 page Masterpiece Here.

Baseball Card of Me on a Blue Team

Title: Soon to be cut from the team
Date: Sometime around 1983
Category: Baseball Card
Current status: Off to get professionally graded and auctioned off

With Baseball Season just around the corner, I like to think back on all those times when I dressed up in a miniature baseball uniform and went and stood in the outfield for several hours on a Saturday morning.
I played some form of baseball with the YMCA for about 5 years. There was T-ball, and 5-pitch, and then actual baseball. I think this one might have been actual baseball, but I don't remember. My baseball career was incredibly forgettable.
In fact, the only things worth mentioning is that I hit a grand slam once, played catcher and outfield, was pretty fast, and I spent a few years playing with Matt Blank, who would grow up to pitch for the Montreal Expos. There really isn't much else worth mentioning.
I do want to point out my stylin' wristbands that don't really match the uniform. The other thing I'd like to point out is my fabulous teeth, which were my most valuable feature during my baseball years, because my teammates could use them to open the sodas we got at the end of the game.

Here, for no good reason, is the back of the card, featuring absolutely nothing useful.

Merry Christmas Printout

Title: Merry Christmas Printout
Date: December, year unknown
Category: Holiday Decorations
Current status: Recycled

Man, dot matrix printers. Gotta love em. This was most likely created using some horrifying Commodore 64 program. Or maybe an early Apple computer. I don't recall. I do know that is was done on some snazzy white paper that was part of a toilet paper like ream with thos annoying feeder hole strips on the side. So, once you printed out your glorious 24-pin low res black & white picture (at 1/2 ppm), you got to try and tear stuff off all four sides without ripping the main sheet.

At one time, this was some high technology and everybody was just astounded that we could make these graven images out of little black dots. Sure they were blocky and in black and white and looked like they were created with the use of a straight edge, but man, computer printed graphics. It revolutionized the way kids made crappy projects for school. No more crayon drawings or pictures cut from magazines. No sir! Now you could tell your 25 Mhz 386 to print a picture of something that looked vaguely like a decorated evergreen along with some text in a font that looks like it was created for a low budget cartoon. Awesome!

Dallas Zoo Map

Title: Map of the Dallas Zoo
Date: Before 1989
Category: Info
Current Status: Recycled

I don't have a whole lot to say about this one. To be honest, I don't even remember much about going. I know I was there, probably with my Dad, but I don't know if anybody else was with us.

This might have been just dad and me, in the summer of 1988 (before he got sick) during a week where Mom and Kristen were at Church Camp. If that's the case, then this was one of the things we did instead of our original plan, which was a roadtrip around Texas. I can't remember if work or money got in the way of that, but we ended up staying home. We did do some fun things... I think we went to the West End and played City Golf and ate ate The Croc n Rock restaurant. Dad let me watch the first Robocop movie (even though it was rated "R" and I was only 13). There was some other stuff, too, but I don't really remember any of it.

So, maybe we went to the zoo... who knows. Jenny the Elephant was most likely there when I went, since she arrived in 1986.

Hey kids! Feeding time for Reptiles is 2 pm every Tuesday! Watch the primates get fed at 3 pm every day!

Polar Bears Soccer Team Photo

Title: Polar Bears Soccer Club Team Picture
Date: mid-80's
Category: Pictures
Current status: Trying to get Applebee's to put it on their wall as decoration

When I was a kid, there were two levels of soccer... YMCA teams and "City" teams. I played for the Y for a year or so, but most of my friends played for city clubs. I wanted to play on a city team, but my parents wouldn't let me at first because they would play some games on Sunday mornings and my forced indoctrination into the Protestant sect of the Jesus Club was more vital (to my parents) than playing soccer.

Eventually, I don't remember how, the relented and I signed up to play on a club called The Polar Bears (later, just the Bears). In what has remained the standard for my soccer career, the team I joined was terrible. I mean, we sucked. We lost pretty much every game.

I'd like to know who the hell though "Polar Bears" would be a good name for a soccer team in Texas?

I remember a few of the other teams we played... there were the elite Panthers, the Celtics, and the StarBlazers. They always kicked our butts.

Ray Grabeel played on one of those other teams, but he swears he doesn't remember any team ever calling itself The Polar Bears and I think he thinks I made it up. Well, look at the picture... that's real. Would I Photoshop something as awful as that? Look at those socks! And the short shorts... no, nobody would willing fake a picture of themselves like this.

I played for 2 or 3 years before giving up on it. It probably didn't help that I was almost always a "Fullback". In kiddie soccer, the fullback (defender) position is tantamount to being an outfielder on a T-ball team... it's where the less talented players went. I got to play midfield once, and I remember it vividly because it was the only time I ever crossed the mid-field line. I remember thinking how weird everything looked that close to the other teams goal.

I actually wasn't a bad goalkeeper, the the coaches' kids pretty much always got to be goalkeeper. Damn nepotism.

Anyway, here are some bonus pictures. The back of the photo holder:and the business card of the guy who made his living taking pictures of crappy youth soccer teams.

Apparently, he also took pictures of pretty much anything that involved a paying client. You don't see "Banquets" mentioned very often anymore. And I doubt that many people who hold "Banquets" automatically think of a guy who calls himself "Captain Photo" as their first choice for official photography.

North Texas Irish Festival 1994

Title: Ticket stub from the 1994 North Texas Irish Festival
Date: March 5th, 1994
Category: Tocket Stub
Current status: Scrapbooked

The annual North Texas Irish Festival... since 1983, at the beginning of March, Dallas hold the NTIF to celebrate all things Irish. Last weekend was the 27th edition of the festival. I didn't go.

In 1994 though, I was still in the early stages of my love affair with Ireland. That love affair started around 1992, but I'm not certain when. I was infatuated with the place. Partly because Ireland just seemed so magical and different, and partly because I thought I had ancestors from there (I have yet to find a strong Irish line... Virtually every ancestor I've found was born on this continent before the Revolution and they all came from England and France. I'm still convinced I've got a strong Jewish line somewhere). I had all sorts of touristy Irish crap around. CDs of "traditional" music, flags, shamrocks, leprechauns... whatever nonsense I could find. I subscribed to an Irish-American weekly newspaper, I wore green (never mind the fact that at the time I was drifting between Protestant and Agnostic.... definitely not Catholic), I watched "Darby O'Gill and the Little People", followed the Republic of Ireland football team, and tried to eat corned beef.
So of course, when the Irish Festival rolled, I was really excited. Ray and I went out there. It was (and is) at Fair Park out in that wretched hellhole known as Dallas. I don't remember a lot of details about the visit... I remember wandering around, hearing a lot of music, looking at a lot of stuff for sale, consuming some not particularly authentic Irish food and drinks, and just generally being amused by the spectacle. I think that year I bought this hideous green vest. At the time, I thought it was pretty freakin cool. Now, I don't think it's cool nor can I fit in it. I've still got it somewhere I think. If I find it, I'll take a picture.
I know I went to more NTIFs than just this one. I believe I went to the '95 festival as a music reviewer for the TCU Daily Skiff. I must have been at at least one after 1996 because I know I've had a (terrible) plastic cup of Guinness.
I think my last attempt to go may have been in 2000. Ray and I went out there with the intention of going to the Irish Fest. We got out there mid morning or so, but then thought it would be fun to go to the Science Museum first. Then, I think we saw some limited engagement movie at the IMAX, perhaps Fantasia 2000. next up, The Irish Fest, right? Wrong! The Titanic exhibit was at Fair Park. Gotta see that.
By the time we got done fooling around at all the other things in Fair Park, it was getting dark and we were getting tired. We pretty much got up to the gate to go into the Festival, looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and went home.

I have since lost my love of Irish stuff. I'll be honest here... a big reason why is that for the 5 years I worked at the Bull & Bush, I'd say 85% of the true Irish that I met were jackasses. I'm not the only one that has this impression either. And before anybody jumps all over me for being a jerk, I freely admit that I possibly did not get a fair cross section of the full Irish population... just the ones that like to hang out in bars and drink. You can draw your own conclusions.

Birthday Card from Mom & Dad

Title: Homemade Birthday Card from my Parents
Date: Most likely May 27, 1988, my 13th birthday
Category: Birthday Card
Current Status: Scrapbook

I didn't usually get homemade birthday cards from my parents. They were typically store bought and often a little cheezy. I think my mom once gave me the same card three years in a row (the third time was on purpose).
I assume this "card" was in recognition of my achieving the age of 13, hence the goofy "you, teenager, you!" at the bottom. My parents, particularly my dad, seemed particularly fascinated by the aspect of their kids becoming teenagers. I'm not sure there was really that much difference between 12 and 13 really, but then, I don't have kids so I can't really be sure of just how exciting every little thing is.
Perhaps it was more of a milestone for my parents. The fact that I made it to the age of 13 before they actually decided to act on the near constant urge to strangle my sorry, trouble making butt. I can see how that would be exciting.
The bare bones greeting card was actually a way to show me what I would get for my birthday since they couldn't wrap it (or apparently, bring it home) :

Geez, Children's Palace... who even remembers Children's Palace? I remember I like Children's Palace better than Toys 'R Us, but I don't really know why. Figures I'd pick the loser in that horse race.
At any rate, dad borrowed a small pick-up truck belonging to the father of my buddy David Irvin and we went and picked up a 10-speed from the Children's Palace by the Parks mall on Cooper Street. It was blue with yellow trim. I think David got one shortly thereafter that was almost the same bike. Great. Bicycle twinkies.
I rode that bike all over for about 3 years, until I got my driver's license and then I didn't ride a bike again until about 4 years ago when I decided cycling would be a fun way to lose weight and/or spend a bunch of money.
I thought I still had this bike, but thinking about the garage at my mom's house (which I have spend a great deal of time working in the last few weeks), I can't picture it. There's my mom's ancient bike with the basket, dad's old bike from around the same time, dad's 10 speed from the '80s, kristen's pink huffy, and Kristen's scooter... but I can't remember seeing mine. I don't remember getting rid of it... huh. Weird.
I wanted a 10-speed to replace my previous bike, the infamous Huffy Sigma. I had gotten a Sigma for Christmas back in '86* I think, but then it was stolen over Spring Break in '88* when I stupidly left it outside of Rocky Stanzione's backyard fence... the one that faced Hawkins Cemetery Road. I was to lazy to pull it through the fence and so I left it on the ground, unchained, thinking nobody would steal it. Dumbass.

*all dates are guesses... I'm not really sure

Mysterious Page of Random Phrases

Title: Sheet of random phrases
Date: probably around 1997 or 1998
Category: Random
Current status: looking for the originator

I'm not entirely sure what this is or where it came from. I have some suspicions though, based on some names mentioned in this goofy thing.

I think Robyn Ross wrote this list of random things she either overheard or were said about her on a trip... maybe... not sure... but regardless of when or why, I'm pretty sure Robyn created this and shared it with me in an email.

There are some really amusing things on here... some of which should be used by you in everday conversations.

For example, if your boss asks you why you were late to work, just say "Megaphone rocks your lame ass", squint menacingly, and walk away.

If you are ever an undercover agent trying to blend into Chinatown, just authoritatively yell "Check for lizards in the rice cakes" at anyone who looks at you funny.

At any rate, I assigned each line to one of the voices in my head so that they can repeat it over and over again. It's better than having that damn 'Nanerpus song stuck in my head...

Sports Calendar Entry for Feb 20

Title: Sport Fact of the day for 2/20/1991
Date: I just told you that
Category: Calendar
Current Status: Recycled

Look! It's an appropriately dated entry! February 20th... okay so, it's not Wednesday and it's 18 years later, but hey... same date otherwise.

Here we learn that this is the birthday of Bobby Unser and Charles "What he do this time" Barkley. It's also Phil Esposito's birthday and on this very same day back in 1971, scored his 50th goal of that season. Way to go, Phil!

Let's see... when this date appeared on my calendar, I was in 10th grade... let me think if I can remember my classes:

Psychology with Mrs. Beazley
Algebra II with.... Mrs. Hailey?
P.E. with Coach Smith
Lunch with Reinhold, Joshwa, Skippy, Opie the Janitor, and Mr. McBride
English with Mrs. Maddox
Latin I with Mrs. Smith
Chemistry with Mr. Powell

I didn't have a job yet, I didn't have a driver's license yet, The Cowboys hadn't won a super bowl yet, and George Bush was still president.

man that seems so long ago.