Energy Pyramid

Title: Energy Pyramid
Date: March 13, 1987
Category: School Assignment
Current Status: Submitted to the Texas Board of Education for use in their Science Curricula

Ahhhh... another fabulous example of what happens when my lack of artistic ability joins forces with a 6th grade science assignment.

Here we have what is called the "Energy Pyramid" that explains... uhhh... something. I'm not sure I completely understand this anymore. I get the sun... it sends the heat and light and crap that makes the plants grow, like corn, which is eaten by the chickens, which are then eaten by people. But why is the sun at the top and outside of the pyramid? If it's not in the pyramid, then is it really part of the pyramid? Does this imply that the sun eats the people who eat the chickens who eat the corn that eats the sun's energy? Is this specist tripe saying that humans are where energy ends because we are the top? What if a human gets eaten by a tiger? Does the tiger get a little triangle above the human? I'm confused. Particularly since energy doesn't disappear, it just transfers to other things. The pyramid concept seems to say that everytime something is eaten, the amout of energy that exists gets smaller until it disappears altogether. Dammit! How am I ever going to smack those fifth graders around on that stupid Jeff Foxworthy show if I can't even understand the crayon representations of basic scientific concepts!??!?

I apparently did a "good job" and got an "A" despite the fact that my chicken looks like a fat crow with tassled carrots for legs. And that human has a really gimpy arm. And why is the chicken eating what looks like straw? It's supposed to be corn, but corn doesn't usually appear as yellow sticks.

CYF Junior Camp Photo

Title: Christian Youth Foundation, Trinity Brazos Jr. Camp Photo
Date: Not sure, probably either 1983 or 1984
Category: Photograph
Current status: With the other photos

The church that I grew up in, University Christian in Fort Worth, is part of the Disciples of Christ denomination. The denomination had this youth group, called the Christian Youth Foundation (CYF). Every year, all the DoC youth groups in the Trinity Brazos area would send their children to this little camp in the middle of nowhere (somewhat near Athens, TX) where they would meet and interact with other kids, learn about their faith, sing horrible songs, and try not to get caught with their elbows on the tables at mealtimes. And of course, there was the ongoing struggle of human vs every flying biting bug in existence. I'm guessing the bugs also sent their children to camp at the same time so that they could learn how best to annoy humans.

I actually got to go to Junior Camp (there was also a regular camp for older kids) early because my mom was a camp counselor. So, I was the youngest kid at camp for a couple of years. Then when I was old enough to actually go, I didn't want to.

It was kind of fun, if you didn't mind the bugs... and the humidity... and the heat... and the public showers... and the food. I always got pretty bored by the religion that was involved, like the discussions about Jesus and the camp songs that sometimes didn't make a lot of sense, but what do expect at CHURCH camp. I did like taking the canoes out on the lake (watch out for rumored aligators and water moccasins!), hiking through the woods, and especially canteen and pool time. At the canteen, I would get Astro Pops. Astro Pops were awesome because they were colorful, multiple fruit flavored, lasted a long time, and they were cheap. Best bargain out there.

Mealtime was always an adventure. You had to do stupid tricks to get your mail, like sing or act out some horrible sketch in front of everybody. If they caught you with your elbows on the table, everybody would start singing to you and then you'd have to parade around the mess hall and get poked with forks or something like that. I don't remember Jesus talking about humiliating children for no good reason, but I didn't pay attention a lot of the time.

I can't identify anybody in this picture. My wife actually had to locate me... I'm at the top, in the center, just in front of the tall older woman whose head is to the left of the window A/C unit. My mom is the adult wearing sunglasses in the group at the top left. The only other person I know is Larry Crocker (seated, far left, second row). He was the director.

I don't remember much about camp, other than I was unhappy about as often as I was happy. There wasn't any TV and you were always expected to get up early. It might have helped if somebody had told me that the spray bottle of "Off" was insect repellant and it was designed to keep bugs away and was not going to help make the bug bites I already had stop itching. I was doing it wrong the whole time.

Loaded Weapon Ticket Stub

Title: Loaded Weapon Ticket Stub
Theater: AMC Green Oaks
Date: February 6
Rated: PG-13 for ribald humor and drug references
One word review: Stupid
Category: Ticket Stub
Current Status: In the scrapbook folder

I actually saw this movie... in the theater. I PAID money to watch this. Why? Cuz I was easily entertained and movies were pretty cheap back then.
It was a ridiculous National Lampoon spoof film based largely on the Lethal Weapon franchise with Emilio Estevez in the Mel "Crazy isn't just the way I act in movies" Gibson role and Samuel L. Jackson covering for Danny "I'm too old for this sh**" Glover. There were also lots of cop-buddy movie jokes.

I don't remember any of it.

Baseball Card of Me

Title: Scorpions Catcher/Outfielder Johnny Lamberth
Date: 1983/1984
Category: Trading Cards
Current Status: In the collectors album next to the MC Hammer rookie card

Somebody came up with the great idea to make baseball cards of kids playing in the YMCA league. Seems like a lot of fun.
I played some form of baseball for about 5 years I think. 2 years of T-ball, a year of slow pitch, and a couple of years of regular baseball. I sucked. That's why I was usually in the outfield (where most kids couldn't hit it to anyway) or catcher (nobody expects an 8 year old to do anything at catcher).
I think this was a T-ball team, but I really am not sure. I remember the Scorpions team, because it was one of my favorites, largely because we had a scorpion logo on our hats. Most teams just had a letter or nothing at all. We had actual scorpions.
The only other thing I remember was that I played on this team with the Blank twins, Matt & Jake. Matt Blank went on to kick butt at Martin and his stellar pitching, along with future American League Rookie of the Year Ben Grieve's great hitting, helped Martin win the state title my senior year. Matt ended up going pro after college and played some with the now defunct Montreal Expos. And that is as close as I ever got to anything resembling a great baseball story.
Let's see... this was before I got braces as you can see one of my Bugs Bunny like front teeth jutting out and that glove is waaaay too big for me. Meanwhile, the back of the card with the "stats" is pretty entertaining too:

I went by "Johnny." Why? I don't really know. Coach liked to link me to Johnny Bench because we were both catchers, but there really was no chance I would ever come within the same universe of Bench's ability to play the game. Meanwhile, I was a towering 4 feet tall and 53 pounds. I'm over 4 times that weight now and unfortunately, I'm nowhere near 4 times as tall.
I'll be honest... I didn't give a rip about the Texas Rangers or Buddy Bell at the time. I said they were my favorites because really, I didn't know any other teams or players. I had to put something down.

Snowman from Hell

Title: Snowman
Date: Unknown
Medium: Cut-out from photocopied pattern, crayons, glue, & construction paper
Category: Art
Current Status: In your nightmares

What in the hell is this thing??!??!?! More importantly, what was I thinking when I made it?
Apparently, in some class in grade school, we made snowmen. It would appear that our teachers photocopied some snowman picture and then handed each student a copy and said, "Decorate, children!" I'm pretty sure that this horrific winter nightmare is NOT what they had in mind.
This is apparently a military snowman. Perhaps it is now a "consultant" with Blackwater. According to his hard to read name tag, he is called "SnowM." He is outfitted with a green army helmet, bazooka/flamethrower/machine gun weapon, belt with pistol and dagger, and.... uh... some carrots. Because when you're on a covert ops mission or just storming an occupied beach, never be without a bunch of freakin' carrots. Perhaps these are the snowman equivalent to "scalping" one's victim. Kill a snowman, take his nose.
I tried to hide the scarf as much as possible, I guess, by drowning it in purple. It's hard to be a badass in a knit scarf. I'm bewildered by the purple-red color for the body/uniform as I have no idea what sort of mission would require such a poor color scheme. Additionally, the snowflakes (I guess they're snowflakes) and wheel/button things look out of place even without my bizarre additions. The ones on his head look more like blood splatters anyway.
The worst part though is the face. That is an evil freaking face. It's like killer clown evil. He looks like he's going to enjoy ripping your intestines out.
No wonder my parents sent me to all those child psychologists.

Suzuki Samurai Ad

Title: Suzuki Samurai Ad
Date: 1986 or 1987
Category: Advertising
Current Status: Flipped over

Do you remember the Suzuki Samurai? They were these cute little mini jeep looking things that were pretty popular for a couple of years. They were sporty without screaming mountain man and were pretty affordable so you didn't have to have a rich daddy to get you one (although it helped). Drive around town or off road. No worries! And it was cozy so you and your date could go make out behind a tree and have the tree hide the whole freaking vehicle.
I really wanted one of these things. Granted, I was 11 or 12 and had no money or driver's license, but I REALLY wanted one of these things. I tried to convince my parents to get me one and it could be my Christmas and Birthday present until I was out of college, but no... they didn't see the practicality of buying a vehicle that wouldn't be driven by me for another 4 years. Silly parents. And of course, there's no way I would have gotten tired of never getting birthday and Christmas gifts all through my teen years.
At any rate, my love affair with this thing lasted for awhile. I would take pictures of them in parking lots, particularly the grey special edition that was most awesome. I had pictures (like this ad) on my wall. Most boys my age had posters of Lamborghini, Ferrari, Lotus, Trans Am... I had a girly little dollhouse SUV. No wonder I got beat up in Jr High.
At any rate, my love affair faded once it became well known that these vehicles had a problem with rolling over with little provocation. They faded away into the world of "cars nobody really remembers," although I did see one a few months ago. I couldn't believe there was still one on the road.
The specs and features on the back side are kind of amusing. You didn't get much of anything with the standard model. The AM/FM stereo with CASSETTE, air conditioning, digital clock, passenger side vanity mirror... these were only on the deluxe model. I guess you were lucky you got an engine with the standard model.

Border's Books Music Search List

Title: Borders Books & Music Performer Discography Printout
Date: 10/16/1993
Category: Lists
Current Status: Recycled, but still looking for some of this stuff

Back in the day, before the internet was readily available on phones that could fit in your shirt pocket, it was a pain in the butt to find anything you wanted to buy. You had to go to the store and look around at every stinking item until you found what you were looking for... or you went to another store. If you were lucky, the store had things in some sort of order to make it easier to narrow your search for what you wanted. Like bookstores and music stores would put items into groups based on subject and then (hopefully) alphabetize them in some logical way. But, if they didn't have an item, then you might not know it existed.

When searching for music, there was often times this gigantic book full of yellow paper that listed albums and artists. You could browse through this phone book style monstrosity and maybe find something that you didn't know about by a band you liked. Of course, it wasn't updated very often (sometimes a store would have one that was at 5 or more years out of date) and even worse, it did not reflect actual inventory of the store that housed that particular book.

So, when Borders Books & Music started trying to merge their inventory with known catalogs, it was pretty neat. They'd have these little computers set up where you could look up stuff and it would give you some information on a little printout. Granted, it wasn't very thorough and it wasn't always tied to inventory, but it FELT like progress that took us further away from the ancient print catalogs and the needle in a haystack search method.

The front of this thing (below) shows a search I did for "R.E.M" music... my favorite band back in the 90's... this printout is sparse and pretty useless really. I had all this stuff and it didn't even really go too deep into rarities and imports, the stuff I really wanted to find.

On the back is a list I made of all the different versions of "Ring of Fire" that I knew about. I loved "Ring of Fire." It's a great song. I think I was familiar with it first from the Social Distortion cover, but I became a huge fan of the Johnny Cash version. Johnny didn't write it, of course. It was his lovely wife June Carter. But then I started finding all sorts of covers of the song and some of them were pretty wacky. Wall of Voodoo for example, is this long, synthesized, weird version. Zappa covered it, as did Olivia Newton-John and Dwight Yoakum. At any rate, I put a list together to keep with me so that whenever I was at a music store, I could look around for the versions I didn't have yet.

I never did complete this. Maybe I'll go dig around online and see if I can find some more.

Autographed Johnny Rutherford Card

Title: Autographed Giant Postcard of Johnny Rutherford

Date: Mid-80's

Category: Autographs

Current Status: Do I hear $1?

Johnny Rutherford was an Indy race car driver back in the 70's and 80's. He won the Indy 500 three times (1974, 1976, & 1980). He was also a member of the church I went to growing up, University Christian Church in Fort Worth.

That's really all I know about the guy. He spoke at church during a Wednesday night program and signed some autographs. I have no idea what he said, I just remember being excited at the prospect of a famous person's autograph, even if I didn't know who the heck that person was or why he was famous. He could've been talking about racing... or Jesus... or Jesus racing...he could've been talking about his favorite color of yarn for all I know. Typically, if I was inside church and someone was talking, I was immediately bored.

I actually grabbed a small stack of these things and kept them, but this is the only one I have that is autographed. I particularly like his Ken-doll like hair in the picture.

Giraffe Card

Title: Giraffe Info Card

Date: Unknown (produced in the 70's and 80's)

Category: "Information"

Current status: Recycled

Does anybody remember these things? I think they were called "Zoo Cards" or something. They used to advertise them on TV where kids could annoy their parents to call the number and become a member of this "club." They would send some cards out every month or so, with diffenernt animals on each and a bunch of facts and other info on the back. If you signed up at the right time, you could get some special gift that was a specially designed plastic box that would hold all of the cards. That way, when you are sitting at your house and an argument comes up about whether or not giraffes are mute or not, you can run to your room, grab your box of animal cards, find the one with the giraffe, and show the moron you were arguing with the correct answer.

While these still have some nostalgia for me (I'm easily nostalgic I guess), they aren't as cool as those ridiculous music stars trading cards. I can easily make the same jokes comparing them to the sports card industry like, "Hey Jimmy! Do you have the aligator rookie card?" or "Ooooohhhhh... this maggot card has an error! It says maggots come from rotting meat!". But these are largley just cards with pictures of animals and a short encyclopedia style entry about them on the back. Just your typical attempt at cashing in on parents who are obsessive about their children learning stuff. These wouldn't fly today though... why get cards sent to you house when you have wikipedia? Of course, you can't alphabetize wikipedia in a plastic box...

I think they also made history cards too...

As to why I saved... well... I guess that part of me that made me go to library school has always felt a need to hold on to "information." Never know when you might need to refernce something. Thankfully, now, I don't need to keep a card in a box. Now I can have fun trying to figure what information about a giraffe online is complete BS.

John & Ray Ruin Christmas

Title: John & Ray Ruin Christmas
Date: 1992
Category: Noise
Current Status: Available through Guru Bob Records…. Cheap.


“Well, it’s that season again…”

That’s how the thing started. At least that’s how the finished tape began. The opening lines of “John & Ray Ruin Christmas” have been a running joke (at least for Ray and me) since 1992 when we made that awful album. This is technically NOT from the attic, but its cult status and relevance to the season makes it worth discussing.

We decided to make an album collecting terrible Christmas music; either stuff we found to sound unmusical, stuff that had totally the wrong sentiment for Christmas, and stuff we just thought was more goofy than festive. For whatever reason, we thought it would be fun to make a tape and convince other people to listen to it. And while it had extremely limited distribution (like, maybe 12 copies), people remember it. I don’t know if the remember it because they enjoyed it or just because it was so bad that it’s now a minor trauma in their heads.

It all started one evening in the Fall of 1992. I think Ray and I had gone to a Fort Worth Fire Hockey match and had decided to get dinner afterwards. We ended up at a Harrigan’s on Hulen Street in Fort Worth. We placed our orders and then decided to leave our table (we let our server know) and run next door to what was then a Sound Warehouse (the space is now occupied by Half Price Books) and browse. They had a big section of Christmas Music (since Christmas was nigh) and we started finding all sorts of weirdo stuff. The two that I specifically remember were “The Quackers Christmas Special” and “It’s a Cow Christmas.” At any rate, we bought some stuff and went back and had dinner.

On the way home, we decided to check out some of the crap we bought. The Quackers, I’m pretty sure, were first. We put in the tape and started to hear some nice, bland synthesized Christmas music. Okay. Then the “singing” started. And when I say singing, I mean sound that resembled Donald Duck in a drunken stupor. Ray, who was driving, and I completely lost it. I mean full on, nearly wrecked the car, side hurting laughter ensued. It was awful. In fact, when we first released the tape, we warned people not to listen to the Quackers while driving. One listener didn’t take that advice and later agreed it was a good warning.

It’s a Cow Christmas was next and most of it was boring bad, but there were a couple of tracks that were just ridiculous, namely “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and “Santa Cow.”

It was decided that we needed to share this with the world (or as many people as possible).

Over the Thanksgiving break, Ray and I proceeded to create a playlist of stuff we had recently acquired (Thanks to Forever Young records, too!). Back then, we had limited technical skill, even more limited audio equipment, and almost no money. We didn’t have microphones, editing equipment, multitrack… we had an old boombox with an indeck mic. So, we would speak our bits, stop the tape, dub the song, and then record more of us talking. Totally Old School.
We loosely scripted the thing. By that, I mean we talked out the rough parameters of what we were going to say and then hit record. If we screwed up, we re-recorded it.

I don’t remember if we didn’t have quite enough material or just thought it would be amusing to record some “original” works for this project, but whatever the reason, we recorded 7 originals for this thing. These were done with the help of my sister (she could play the flute and therefore was our primary musician) and were recorded live. I have the tape of outtakes with some alternate versions (mainly because the arrangements were pure anarchy and you never knew for sure what each person was going to play). We used a Casio keyboard, flute, several wood recorders, harmonica, toy drum, French horn, kazoo, and one of those spirally door stoppers that make the really funny sound when you let it spring back.

Once we completed the thing, and by the time we finished, it had lost quite a bit of the fun factor, we set about advertising it at school. We sold about 10 or 12 copies. Each copy was hand numbered with a photocopied insert/program and I believe unique holiday art. Each cassette cover had some poorly rendered Christmas related image done in high quality crayola.

Chris Heinefield told me he played it so much his Dad threatened to take it away. Mr. Powell played it class the last day of school before break while we mixed dangerous chemicals together in festive holiday colors.

We even though it would be fun to send it to some radio stations in the naïve hope that somebody would listen to it and play it on the air. Man, we were dumb.

At any rate, people seemed to like it. Why? I have no idea. I listen to it from time to time and I find it hard to listen to now. Granted, I’m usually uber-critical of my own work and the production values are minimal. Plus, I’ve heard it a gazillion times and it isn’t nearly as funny anymore.

We ended up liking the idea of these kinds of things and started making more silly audio tapes. There was “John & Ray Trash Disco”, “John & Ray’s Stupid Music”, “John & Ray Ruin ANOTHER Christmas” and some random audio sketches and unfinished songs. In the late 90’s, we upgraded our equipment from “stolen from a garage sale” to “purchased from a discount store” and recorded “John & Ray Ruin Christmas: The Special Edition.” This was largely are favorite (least favorite) songs from the other two Christmas tapes combined with some new material, including the awful “Santa’s Comin’ down the Chimney” by Bubbles McIntire. Our pal Randy Black helped out on this one. All of these tapes have virtually zero distribution.

In 2000, we somehow ended up back on the air at KTCU as Dead Air Radio (with producer Wade “2-Tons of Love” Goodman and regular appearances by James “DJ Jaime” Reimer and Neep “Happy the Rodeo Clown” Preissinger). Deciding to dust off the virtually unknown franchise again, we did the whole thing live during our three hour show. And we did it one more time as “Dead Air Radio Ruins Christmas in July.”

I’m slowly getting all of this junk transferred to CD and MP3 to try and get it available to any nut that wants it and maybe get lucky and have it become the next viral promotion on the internets. I’ve heard worse.

All of this is how I remember it, but I’ve had a fair amount of Belgian beer since then. Ray might remember it differently. Heck, you might remember it differently. If anybody remembers it differently, let me know and I’ll post a follow up.

The next post will have a track-by-track breakdown.Anybody that wants a copy of the original JARRC, contact me.

Police seek suspect in slaying at Dallas bar

Title: Random newspaper clipping
Source: Dallas Morning News (probably)
Date: No clue
Category: newspaper story
Current Status: Recycled

I have no idea. None whatsoever. I don't know any of the people involved. Is the Crown Bar still there? Heck if I know. This isn't even that interesting of a story, really. Okay, somebody died, but with all due respect, a shooting at a Dallas bar? Not really a shock.
Geez.... even I'm amazed at my over-the-top packratness on this one.

Plaque Report Card

Title: Plaque Report Card
Date: Not sure
Category: Report Card
Current Status: Recycled

My childhood dentist was Dr. Phillip Bailey, who apparently still practices. (If you have kids that need a dentist, Dr. B has my vote). I think my parents knew him from somewhere before I started seeing him. Might have been Waco since I think he was at Baylor for dentistry about the same time my dad was there for his MBA. Of course, my parents history before I was born is a bit fuzzy. I think the beagle we had when I was born was in some way related to my parents knowing him, as the dog's name was "Beagle Bailey." Of course, it could just be a bad pun from an old Mort Walker comic strip.

At any rate, Dr. Bailey and I had a love-hate relationship. While I liked Dr. Bailey, I don't like dental visits because there is usually pain involved. So, we had this great thing where he would poke my gums with sharp metal objects and I would let him know in no uncertain terms how much I hated the dentist's office. Once, I even made him a copy of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "One More Minute" to completely explain my loathing. It was all in fun.

At any rate, here is one of my few good grades. While I rarely had cavities, plaque and I were on a first name basis. I usually got B's and C's. No doubt this one was saved because of the rarity with which my teeth were plaque free.

Sometimes I miss Dr. Bailey's office. They always had copies of MAD Magazine in the waiting area. Much better than Good Housekeeping.

Martin Warriors 1990 Football schedule

Title: Martin Warriors Football Schedule
Date: 1990
Category: Sports Schedule
Current status: The scrapbook folder

When I was a hardcore local sports fanatic, I used to staple team schedules to the wall and keep track of wins and losses. Cowboys, Mavericks, Rangers, Sidekicks... any team would do. So, when I got my hands on a schedule for my high school football team, it went on the wall as well. You can still see the holes from the staples.
I'm particularly enjoying the politically incorrect Native American head used. That wasn't what our logo ended up looking like so I'm not sure why it's on this thing.

The thing about Martin was that we usually sucked. We were terrible. We never won squat while my class was there and then after we left, they actually made the playoffs a few times. But we were awful. Fortunately, we had baseball, soccer, and volleyball where we could win state championships. But yeah, our football team was bad. I actually spent a week on the team, sort of, during two-a-days in 10th grade as a defensive back. I realized I was way out of my league and quit. I think the coach was just as happy.

Anyway, I kept track of the wins and losses for the varsity team (nobody cared about JV or sophomore). We managed a mediocre 5-5 that year, beating Sam Houston and South Grand Prairie, but losing, as usual, to Arlington and Lamar. yay, Warriors.

Kelly McGonagill signed photo

Title: Signed photo of former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Kelli McGonagill
Date: After 1989?
Category: Autographs
Current Status: eBay?

I don't have any idea why I have this. I don't remember meeting this woman or receiving this picture. Maybe she came to my school. But for it to be 1989 or later, that means either 9th grade Boles Junior Hell... I mean High, or 10th grade Martin High School. I can't imagine why a half naked cheerleader would come to a place filled with young males between the age of 13 and 18... unless she was interested to see how many hormone fueled adolescent boys she could make explode just by walking into a room.

I think I would remember going somewhere to meet her... but no... no I don't. Did somebody get this for me? Geez... it's a mystery. Maybe somebody else remembers meeting her.

At any rate, Miss McGonagill ended up becoming the director of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, she got married and added Finglass to her name, and has been seen recently on screen in the film Dr. T and the Women and the CMT series, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team for the last three years. She's even got a Wikipedia page so she must be famous!

TCU vs Texas A&M Ticket Stub 1987

Title: Ticket Stub for the 1987 game between TCU and Texas A&M
Date: November 21, 1987
Final score: TCU 24, Texas A&M 42
Category: Ticket Stub
Current Status: The 3-ring binder with baseball card sleeves where I keep ticket stubs

For a couple of years in the 1980's, my mom and I had season tickets to TCU games. It was the first of three times we held season tickets and one of the two times where we held season tickets to a TCU team that sucked.
Back in the old Southwest Conference days, the Horned Frogs just couldn't compete with the ginormous state funded schools and so we regularly had our butts handed to us by Texas, A&M, Arkansas, and Tech. Baylor typically owned us (although in 1987 we did beat them 24-0 in Waco) and we'd trade wins with Rice and Houston. 1987 was the first year of SMU's death penalty so our regular beatings by the ponies came to an end in 1986.

The '80's teams were coached by the late Jim Wacker, a guy who never really could get TCU up into the upper half of the league (2 winning seasons in 9 years), but he's still remembered fondly because he at least got people excited about TCU football. And he looked like Bobby Bowden next to the dipstick Pat Sullivan who followed Wacker in the 90's.

I don't remember squat about this game as I remember very little about any of those games in the 1980's because many of them are childhood traumas that I have since blocked out.
Hey kids! Find my section!

UNT Memorandum of Violation

Title: UNT Memorandum: Violation of "Quiet Hours"
Date: September 7, 1993, 10:54pm
Category: School Document
Current Status: Looking for a birdcage to line

I went to three different universities in four years while achieving my Bachelor's degree. I finished the last three at TCU and freshman year was split between the University of North Texas (Fall '93) and the University of Texas - Arlington (Spring '94). UNT was the only school where I lived in the dorm. Seeing as how my mom's house (the same house I had been in since 1979) was in Arlington, UTA and TCU were short drives.

It was pretty exciting when I packed up a number of my belongings and moved one whole hour away from home to a dorm room in UNT's West Hall. I would be rooming with my best friend David Irvin. We had previously roomed together at my mom's house during the Spring semester of 11th grade and it ended horribly. I have no idea why we thought that living together again would be a good idea because it wasn't. I love the guy like a brother, but we should never live in the same place.

West Hall had what was known as "Quiet Hours" which were intended to give students a less noisy environment from about 10 pm until sometime in the morning so that they would be better able to sleep or study or something. I have no idea what we did to violate Quiet Hours, but we did something and we got this excitingly well typed warning disguised as a memorandum. Why my name is the only one on it, I have no idea. Dave was there too.

It seems like if you were written up three times, something happened. But I don't remember what. It was pretty obvious though that the concept of Quiet Hours was pretty stupid in an all male dorm full of numerous freshman. It wasn't Animal House or anything, but there was plenty of mischief.

I really don't remember much about living in the dorm, other than lot's of time watching "Animaniacs" and "The Late Show with David Letterman" as well as way too much time playing Tecmo Super Bowl on the Nintendo (can't stop Bo Jackson!). That and the leftover soggy tacos Dave would bring home from the Taco Bell where he worked.

Art Award featuring Auks

Title: 2nd Place Auck Award
Date: Who knows
Category: Award
Current Status: Suitable for framing

Once every grading period or so, we would get a visit from Mr. Young, the nomadic elementary school art teacher. He would teach us about some type of art... paint, clay, string, construction paper... and we were very excited because we knew that art was fun and the grades were subjective so as long as you didn't fling paint on the wall, you'd be fine.
For whatever reason, Mr. Young had this thing about auks. Auks are funny little birds that kind of look like miniature penguins. I have no idea why he was so fascinated by them. It could be that Mr. Young found that a funny named bird was a useful way to keep elementary age children entertained.

I have absolutely no idea what this award is for. I think there was some contest involving making art where an auk was the subject matter. At any rate, I have this small piece of paper commemorating something I don't remember. Ironic, ain't it?

Birthday Card (It's a Keith Kard!)

Title: Birthday Card
Medium: Wide-rule notebook paper, pencil, crayons
Artist: Keith Weiland
Date: May, 1988
Category: Greeting Card
Current Status: Waiting for Keith to become uber-famous so I can leak it to the media

For my 13th birthday, Keith Weiland saved himself $1.50 and made me this birthday card. I think he gave this to me along with the Beastie Boys' Licensed to Ill on cassette

At any rate, this is a fabulous card. On the front, in addition to calling me John-John, he has drawn three fruity characters, Mr. Lime, Mr. Cherry, and Mr. Grape. Whatever is the greeting inside?
"So Cherry up and have a Grape Lime!" Fortunately, he signed it so he can in no way deny having created this.
LOOK! It's the magical U-Turn arrow in the corner! That is the universal kid symbol for "Turn the sheet over, there's more!"
And on the back:"Hey you! It's a Keith Kard! ©1988 4202 Old Dominion Your Kuality Kard" and he signed it again.
Personally, I think Mr. Weiland had a goldmine waiting had he pursued his mutant ability to make awesome homemade birthday cards.

Okay Keith, enough for today. And I'm sure I've got plenty of other things to embarrass many other classmates.

Mrs. Windham's 4th Grade Class

Title: Mrs. Windham's 4th Grade Class
School: J. B. Little Elementary
School Year: 1984-1985
Principal: Al Miller
Category: Class Picture
Current Status: Photo Box where no one will ever see this again

I remember Mrs. Windham's "Homeroom" class. At Little, we had a homeroom teacher that also double as our social studies/science/health/non-Reading, non-math, non-PE teacher. In 4th grade, it was Mrs. Windham. I guess our overall class had gotten too big (which was solved for 5th grade when the opened Corey elementary and many of us were sent there) because there was no room for us with the rest of the 4th graders. 4th grade was pretty much all in temporary buildings anyway, but there was no more temporary space. So, we started the school year completely segregated from the rest of our grade in a little nook next to the two rooms where the music teachers held court. Somewhere during the school year, we got our own temporary building out by the monkey bars.

I don't remember much about what we learned from Mrs. W. I remember something about Mt. St. Helens, learning about cardio exercises and spending 3 minutes working out to the Pointer Sisters' "Neutron Dance", and I remember reading my own parody of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" in front of the class. That's about it. I have some vague memories of other classes, Mrs. Taylor for English I believe (sentence diagramming NOOOOO!!!!) and Mrs. Moon for Math?

I can maybe name 50-75% of the people in this photo.... but I won't. Some of these people I am connected to on Facebook and they'll most likely be horrified that I've broadcasted this monstrosity across the internets. If you would like to point out that you are in this photo, feel free. If you can't tell, I'm in the front row, third from the right with the dark sweater, poofy hair, and idiotic smile.

For a bonus, here is what the photo looked like with the cover and what the cover looked like. Usually I fill in names, but not this time. Lucky you. You might not be so lucky next time.

Potrait of Snoopy

Title: Snoopy
Medium: Acrylic paint and canvas
Date: Most likely Early '80's
Category: Art
Current Status: Checking with Sotheby's and Christie's to determine how many millions I can sell this thing for

My paternal grandfather was an amazing guy. He was an anesthesiologist when it was a fairly new specialty, a retired colonel in the US Army who was with the Allied forces (medical) at the Battle of the Rhine in WWII, practiced for many years in Dallas and East Texas and then retired. And then went back to school. He learned some Spanish, he started painting, he had all manner of plants and dabbled in cooking. He read a lot. Real Renaissance Man.

When he was at his most active at painting, he let the grandkids paint too. He tried to teach us some basics like shadows, perspective, colors that don't look awful together... obviously, I learned absolutely nothing under his tutelage.

This was one of my first attempts with acrylic paint. I remember going with my grandfather to art supply stores and buying canvas, and paint (apparently lots of RED paint), and brushes and whatever else we needed. I can vividly remember the smell of the paint itself, too. I can remember how much of a pain it was to rinse the paint out of the brushes when we were done. What I can't remember is why the heck I painted this.

It seems fairly obvious that this is supposed to be Snoopy, the extremely white beagle from "Peanuts." So, I'm unsure as to why I felt the need to paint "Snoopy" in large letters above his head. I mean, if Leonardo had painted "Mona Lisa" at the top of that painting, people might have known who she was, but it would have looked stupid and no longer a masterpiece. So, whatever possessed me to paint "Snoopy" at the top when a) everybody can recognize the subject and b) it's unartistic, I have no idea. I plead stupidity that comes with being a little kid.

I think I got Snoopy's head pretty good, but his body is all off. He's too tall. Snoopy is a little more circle shaped than long oval. And where is his arm?!!?! There is no arm there!!!

My wife said it's a "post-impressionist Snoopy." I say it's an 8-year-old with a tube of paint and amused grandparents.

Pro Set Superstars Musicards Ad

Title: Ad for Pro Set Superstars Musicards
Date: 1990
Category: Advertisement
Current Status: Recycled

Remember back in the 80's and 90's when trading cards were huge? I mean, first it was baseball cards, the football and basketball, and hockey, and then trading cards of Musicians seemed the logical step, right? Hey! Do you have an MC Hammer rookie card? I'll trade you a Vanilla Ice and a Lita Ford!
Really, it's no wonder trading cards are now worth virtually squat. The sports card market became heavily over saturated, but these non-sports cards were just too much. I remember (and still have) when Topps put out trading cards for Desert Storm. I think I have a Saddam Hussein card somewhere. Is that weird? Yeah, it is.
Pro Set started with football cards in 1989 and redefined the trading card world. That was the year of the Barry Sanders and Troy Aikman rookies. Granted, Score put out a more collectible (and more valuable) set, but Pro Set was flashy. They had rookie cards of guys who just got out of college... heck, the cards even showed them in their college uniforms! Baseball cards took notice and stepped up to the plate after giving us such abominations as '88 Topps and '90 Donruss. Within in a couple of years, it was impossible to keep up with all the different sets of cards for everything imaginable... comic books, rock stars, Elvis, movies... if it had any popularity, it probbly got a trading card.

So, Pro Set, after taking the world by storm in football, quickly jumped on hockey and then... pop music. This was the pre-grunge world where the music part of the music business wasn't nearly as important as the image part. New Kids on the Block, MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Bel Biv Devoe, Madonna... these were as much fun to look at as to listen to while staring at your swatch watch and unnaturally colored oversized clothing. Malls became places to actually see your favorite performer. Drum machines received writing credits!
To publicize this inventive foray into mixing the bizarro world of hardcore wax pack purchasers and the MTV zombies, Pro Set released this ad. I have no idea where I got it, but I know why I kept it. Look at this wonderful collection of late '80's/Early '90's youth. This should really go into a time capsule so that people a hundered years from now can look at this and realize just how stupid we were and be baffled at how we could go from the obscenely ludicrous glam of the late 70's and end up with whatever the heck this monstrosity of fashion was ten years later.
Let's take a closer look at this quartet of happy youngsters. At the left we have The Fresh Prince of Chris Rock (complete with Friendship Bracelets), followed by Debbie/Deborah Gibson (who looks pained to be in this ad) and Tiffany (she is a part of the Rhythm Nation) and then in the front, white kid who needs a character building butt whooping and a pair of socks. Chris Rock-kid and the too girls are largely okay, I mean, they look like normal kids for the era (if their parents had money) and seem to have some sense of credible modeling skill, but WTH is wrong with that little doofus in front? His face is frozen in a combination of fear, surprise, and about-to-eat-a-hamburger. Perhaps that's the face his brain made when it realized that his body was nowhere near limber enough to strike that pose. Madonna was wrong. There IS something to striking a pose. That's more Vague than Vogue. Is his belt really that close to his armpits? Did Don Johnson and Urkel have a love child? This kid is good old fashioned nightmare fuel.

I'm pretty sure Pro Set is long since out of business, but fortunately, they've left such fine examples of American culture like this ad as their legacy. Thank you Pro Set, you morons.

Caldecott Reader Certificate 1983

Title: Caldecott Reader Award
Date: February 25, 1983
Category: Award
Current Status: Undetermined; Probably recycle but possibly framed and hung in my cubicle at work

I don't remember getting this at all. Granted, I was 8 at the time, but still, I usually have some vague memory of stuff like this.

I couldn't even remember what the Caldecott was in reference to... so I looked it up. It's one of those annual awards (named for Randolph Caldecott) given to illustrators deemed to have done the best work on a children's book. Some notable winners are The Polar Express (Chris Van Allsburg), The Snowy Day (Ezra Jack Keats), and Where the Wild Things Are (Maurice Sendak). Other such classic titles as A Tree Is Nice, Duffy and the Devil, and Sam, Bangs & Moonshine have also won. To learn more, go to the American Library Association's website where they have all sorts of exciting info about the Caldecott. Also congrats to this year's winner, The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznick. I've never heard of it, but I'm sure it's grand.

Of course, this isn't the actual Caldecott Medal (as I've never had anything published, much less won an award for it), this is a Reader Certificate. My guess is that I read a certain number of Caldecott award winning books or something and got this to commemorate it. I really don't know. Perhaps I will ask Mrs. Mona Kerby, the Librarian at the time of J.B. Little elementary school what the heck this was for.

BTW, Ezra Jack Keat's book The Snowy Day rocked my world as a kid. If you've got kids, you should find a copy and read it to them.

Senior Year Class Schedule

Title: Senior Year Class Schedule, Arlington Martin High School
Date: August, 1992
Category: Schedule
Current Status: Recycled

Ahhh... High School. High School, particularly Junior and Senior year, were pretty good. Partly because most of my classes were with kids who were more interesting than annoyingly popular and so I didn't get picked on as much and partly because it wasn't Boles Junior High.
I look at this schedule and I suddenly remember things about classes that I had forgotten. And I also see that those bozos couldn't get some of my info right. I've blacked out some bits of info that doesn't really need to be displayed on the web (and also had no comedic potential).

The first line at the top seems pretty straight forward, although I am unclear what "URSH" is, the blank right after my Student ID number.

The second line, sadly, has no information listed for "Other Name", despite the fact that during my 3 years at Martin, I went by several names other than "John." In pre-calculus, I was "John Bob." In Chemistry, I became "Brad" (that's a story in and of itself). In MOCE, I went by the alternate name of "Bob" in order to try and hide my embarassment at being in the class.

Dropping down a bit, I am bewildered as to where they got an "H" for my mother's middle name. Her name was Elizabeth Ann Fox Lamberth... no "H". Even more bewildering is why the line below for employer is listed as "DECEASED." I assume they meant my dad, but it would be pretty weird if your parent worked for a dead person. They actually did get mom's employer correct on the next employer line, which was supposed to go with the second parent line where deceased should have gone. Confusing? Well, that's public education for ya.

Then we have my classes. I had no zero hour. Let's face it, 7:45 for first period was early enough... who wants to be in class at 6:45. That's just insane.
Fall semester first period was Mrs. Harry's Government class. I liked Mrs. Harry. She was also our sponsor for Academic Decathalon. And she was the wife of Joe Harry, then principal of Boles Junior High. During that semester, the Dallas Observer did a cover story about some controversial happenings at Boles under Mr. Harry's watch. I was quoted. Despite saying things that were not complimentary, Mrs. Harry never mentioned it.
Spring semester first period was Creative Writing with Mr. McBride. One of the best classes ever. When I find all that stuff, I'll be sure to post it.

Second period- AP Chemistry II with the famous Mr. Powell. I was lousy at chemistry, but the class was always entertaining. Sometimes we blew stuff up. Sometimes we had contests to see who could write the best "Deep Thought" (Jack Handey style). Mostly we just listened to a science teacher who fit right in with Bill Nye.

Third Period- AP English with Mrs. McBride. I wasn't overly fond of world literature, but the class was enjoyable anyway. Mrs. McB found all sorts of entertaining assignments. And, once each grading period, each of us at to present a poem to start the class (Poetry Du Jour). I liked it so much that the last grading period of the year, I asked if I could read something everyday. I think Mrs. McB was shocked... she gave me that look that you get when you let on to a teacher that they are actually having a positive impact on you. They have that happen so rarely, they have trouble hiding that look of amazement.

Fourth period-Lunch... mostly spent racing around trying to get to a fast food restaurant befor ethe rest of 4th period lunch got there creating massive lines.

Fall semester 5th period was MOCE, Math of Consumer Economics. That was embarassing. In 11th grade, I failed the second semester of pre-calc. Not because I couldn't do pre-calc, but because I didn't do the homework. See, the teacher didn't take grades on the homework so I didn't do the homework. I passed the tests, but at the end of the grading period, we had folder tests, meaning we were tested on all the stuff, like homework, that was supposed to be in our folders. If you didn't do the homework, you couldn't answer that part of the folder test. So I would fail the folder tests. I still think that's kind of stupid. I showed I understood what was being taught, but I failed because I didn't do the homework that apparently didn't prevent me from understanding the material.
So, I needed another credit in math and the only thing open was MOCE, which was about as remedial as you could get. I mean, we learned how to write checks. We started out doing fairly simple addition and subtraction, like most people learn in 4th grade. Here I am, an AP student, in the top 10% of my class, in remedial math. With the extra credit and bonus points, I had an AVERAGE of over 100. In fact, at the end of the semester, I only needed to score 16 points (out of 100) on the final exam to earn an "A" for the entire semester. The class was taught by the golf coach, who realized at some point during the semester that I was smarter than he was. At any rate, I went by "Bob" to try and protect my identity.

The Spring semester had Economics with the infamous Mr. Danielson. He was nuts. I'm not sure I can describe him, really. He was very passionate about economics, that's for sure.

6th period was originally going to be Tech Theater, but after 2 classes, I decided building sets sounded less fun than acting on sets and switched to Drama. I ended up with the lead in the class play and also played Schroeder in our production of "A Charlie Brown Christmas." I'm hoping that video does not exist of my performances.

I had no class for 7th period. Some might say "no class" refers to me outside of 7th period as well. Typically, I ended up hanging out in the journalism room and bothered the newspaper staff and their teacher, affectionately known as "The Griffin." My best pal Ray Grabeel was on the newspaper staff and we spent a lot of time doing silly things like making flyers for the "Warrior Falconry Team" and convincing other people that we had a band. I think I became the unofficial mascot for the class. It should also be noted that the entity known as "Keithney" was birthed in that 7th period and it still exists today, living in Houston with some children. Perhaps I'll explain that later.

Okay, I rambled a bit on this one. The next one will contain more funny, less chatter.

Construction Paper Owl

Title: Owl
Medium: Construction paper and Elmer's Glue
Date: Unknown
Category: Art
Current Status: Recycled

Okay... it's an owl... made out of construction paper. I have no idea when this was made or why. Usually I can get an idea of when I collected something by the other stuff in the same box. This one, I really don't know. The other things I found in this box seem to be from a junior high era, but I can't imagine why I would make this ridiculous looking owl in junior high.
For that matter, I'm not entirely sure I made it. There is no name or identifying marks anywhere... it could be my sister's work. Although I can't imagine I would save her artwork. Besides, I can see some telltale signs of this being my work... the poorly scissored curves on the feet and eyes, the badly cut jags at the end of the small malformed wings, and the presence of the original pencil guidelines that I could never get the scissors to follow. I have to deduce I made this goofy bird.

To this day, when I'm at the store and I see packages of construction paper, I feel a little spark of excitement. Construction paper, besides having a cool name, always meant that we were going to do something other than read textbooks. Always a plus. What sort of freakish work of art would we make from these colorful sheets of paper that had that weird feel, so unlike notebook paper? If construction paper was involved, that meant there must be scissors, but would we get the grown-up kind with the pointy tips or the kiddie ones with the curved, blunt ends? And did they have those cool-left handed ones with the green rubber around the finger holes? What the heck was that actually supposed to do anyway?
And of course, no construction paper event would be complete without your bottle of Elmer's Glue. Just keep an eye on those weird kids that would eat that stuff (I'm talking about YOU, David).
Sometimes, you'd also get glitter. Glitter was the custodial staff's least liked, I think. That stuff ended up everywhere. And parents everywhere didn't have to ask what their kids did in school that day because it would be sparkling all over their faces... and clothing... and hair...

And remember... black construction paper meant you could effectively use that almost otherwise useless white crayon.

Pierre Cardin Wallet ID Card

Title: Pierre Cardin Wallet ID Card
Date: Late 80's or Early 90's
Category: Additional Info
Current Status: Recycled

I liked this wallet. I think it may have been my first non-kiddie, non-velcro leather wallet. Normally, this ID card would probably have been tossed long ago, but apparently, I decided to be a smart ass and fill out a section of the ID card as a teenage boy probably would.
It does seem obvious that if there was an emergency, that most people would rather you call the appropriate medical and/or law enforcement professionals to handle the problem. Obviously, that is a given and the purpose of this card is to give those professionals the ability to find somebody who can come get your sorry butt once the crisis has passed. Even though I knew this, it didn't stop from from being oh so clever and writing down "Doctor, Hospital, Mortuary, funeral home" under the "In Case of Accident Please Notify" section. To be extra helpful, I included "911" as the telephone number to use.
My pal Neil "Skippy" Kennedy, another of the outcast nerd caste that I was categorized with, felt the need to add "custodial engineer, McDonald's, carwash" after my entries. I'm unsure as to what he was going for with "McDonald's" and "carwash", but I do know why "custodial engineer" is included.
WARNING - TANGET STORY INVOLVING A HIGH SCHOOL MEMORY AHEAD!
In 10th grade, since we were unpopular, middle class students with no access to wheels, Neil and I, along with Josh "Joshwa" Boling and Shawn "Reinhold" Eiland, ate in the school cafeteria. We passed the time with many absurd games, such as "JEPARDEE", poetry readings, and general nerd weirdness. It was very much like our own little cable access television show, complete with regular guests who would interject themselves into our lunchtime activities.
There were two primary visitors: Half-Moon and Opie.
Half-Moon was, in reality, Mr. Steve McBride, an English teacher who also taught creative writing. I had him for creative writing senior year and he was awesome. Excellent teacher, as was his wife, who I had senior year as well for AP English (they told me I was often the subject of dinnertime conversation). But in 10th grade, he was just that guy with a lot of facial hair (i.e. a werewolf in mid-transformation) who monitored 4th period lunch. I'm sure Mr. McB will be mentioned in this blog more than once.
Opie, on the other hand, was a janitor. But don't call him a janitor because he would inform you that he was, in fact, a "Custodial Engineer." Opie (not his real name) took great pride in his job. And while I can respect someone who takes pride in their work, to a 15 year old boy, a janitor is not a glamorous position at all. What really made him such a memorable character was that he would sometimes lecture us on life and how to live it. I vividly remember one time when Opie was giving me a good talking to about getting my life in order. Reinhold, who had his back to Opie, kept making these ridiculous faces that only I could see which made me start snickering. Opie made sure to let me know that I shouldn't be laughing at his advice.
At any rate, "custodial engineer" became a running gag. Now you know.

If anybody is interested, here's the other side of that ID card. It's not all that informative really, but it was nice to know that I had a quality item with "Hand Turned Edges."

Awesome.