Mysterious Page of Random Phrases

Title: Sheet of random phrases
Date: probably around 1997 or 1998
Category: Random
Current status: looking for the originator

I'm not entirely sure what this is or where it came from. I have some suspicions though, based on some names mentioned in this goofy thing.

I think Robyn Ross wrote this list of random things she either overheard or were said about her on a trip... maybe... not sure... but regardless of when or why, I'm pretty sure Robyn created this and shared it with me in an email.

There are some really amusing things on here... some of which should be used by you in everday conversations.

For example, if your boss asks you why you were late to work, just say "Megaphone rocks your lame ass", squint menacingly, and walk away.

If you are ever an undercover agent trying to blend into Chinatown, just authoritatively yell "Check for lizards in the rice cakes" at anyone who looks at you funny.

At any rate, I assigned each line to one of the voices in my head so that they can repeat it over and over again. It's better than having that damn 'Nanerpus song stuck in my head...

Sports Calendar Entry for Feb 20

Title: Sport Fact of the day for 2/20/1991
Date: I just told you that
Category: Calendar
Current Status: Recycled

Look! It's an appropriately dated entry! February 20th... okay so, it's not Wednesday and it's 18 years later, but hey... same date otherwise.

Here we learn that this is the birthday of Bobby Unser and Charles "What he do this time" Barkley. It's also Phil Esposito's birthday and on this very same day back in 1971, scored his 50th goal of that season. Way to go, Phil!

Let's see... when this date appeared on my calendar, I was in 10th grade... let me think if I can remember my classes:

Psychology with Mrs. Beazley
Algebra II with.... Mrs. Hailey?
P.E. with Coach Smith
Lunch with Reinhold, Joshwa, Skippy, Opie the Janitor, and Mr. McBride
English with Mrs. Maddox
Latin I with Mrs. Smith
Chemistry with Mr. Powell

I didn't have a job yet, I didn't have a driver's license yet, The Cowboys hadn't won a super bowl yet, and George Bush was still president.

man that seems so long ago.

Jurassic Park Fry Container

Title: McDonald's Fry Sleeve featuring Jurassic Park
Date: 1993
Category: Collectible Food Container
Current Status: Do I hear any offers?

'Member when Jurassic Park came out and everybody went batpoop over it? There were freakin dinosaurs everywhere. McDonald's, always ready to jump on something that can sell more of their foodlike substances, pounced on the license and proceeded to put JP images on anything they could. Cups, Happy Meals, tray liners, and even these fry sleeves.

When the container is opened, it looks like a dinosaur is eating your fries!!!! WTF!!!!! OMG!!!! LOL!!!!

Sorry about that....

I think that's supposed to be a T-Rex, based on the fabulous info on the back. It's a pretty goofy looking T-Rex though... looks more like a non-fuzzy gremlin on the other side of of the apartment peephole.

I remember I liked the movie... then I read the book. If I had read the book before I saw the movie, I might have walked out before it ended. The book was much better. Of course, Crichton lost me when he resurrected characters that he killed in his first book for the sequel he wrote, Lost World, so he basically changed his creation to make the film that poorly adapted his book. Sellout.

Music Award

Title: Music Award for Singing
Date: May 27, 1983
Category: Award
Current Status: Trophy Case

How cute... a "ribbon" with a copyright infringed image of Disney's Winnie the Pooh that celebrates singing and daily affirmations of self worth. Yes, by singing, it somehow makes me like myself. I didn't know it was that easy. I could have saved a lot of money on therapists if I'd known that singing in the shower could boost my ego.

I'm not sure where this award came from. I think we were already gone from Broadway Baptist Church by this point so I don't think it was there. We were probably at University Christian by that point where I had a year of youth choir lead by the illustrious Pummill family, the Von Trapps of Fort Worth. But, I don't think it was there either, because May 27th of 1983 was a Friday and we didn't do church on Fridays. Wednesdays and Sundays were church days... and two days of church was plenty. No, that leaves school as the only other option. The last day of school typically came around that time of May and awards day was the last day of school. So, this must be some goofy award from Little Elementary school, maybe even from the legendary Ms. Starnes!

It should also be noted that May 27, 1983 was my 8th birthday. That would have been 2nd grade and I do seem to remember the last day of school being on my birthday. It was like an extra birthday present!

Woodstock

Title: Portrait of Woodstock
Medium: Acrylic & canvas
Date: Early 80's
Category: Art
Current status: On loan to the Louvre

Remember my painting of Snoopy? Sure you do! How could you forget something so awful! Well, as an added treat, here's the companion piece that I did around the same time... it's Snoopy's little bird pal, Woodstock! Doesn't it look just like him? Absolutely.... not in the slightest!

My wife, when seeing this for the first time, had absolutely no idea who this was supposed to be. When I told her, she just laughed. I bet Rembrandt didn't have to deal with such indignities.

It's pretty ironic that I took the time to actually paint "Snoopy" above the picture of Snoopy which is, pretty obviously, Snoopy. And yet, where it certainly could have used an identifying label, this Baylor University color scheme inspired atrocity, has no helpful clue whatsoever.

I sit here, staring at this thing and I realize first off that whatever this avian nightmare is, it is assuredly something evil. Look at it's horrible, horrible face... it's sinister grin and malevolent eye staring at you in a sideways glance, plotting your gruesome demise in ways that only an apocalyptic fowl can achieve. You'll think twice about feeding pigeons in the park and perhaps that bird feeder so close to the house isn't such a good idea. This canary of Hell shall have your soul...

For whatever reason, while I do find this thing to be disturbing the more I study it, I can't help but think that if Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" was inspired by the San Diego Chicken, this is what it would look like.

You'll note that here, as with Snoopy, Woodstock has no arm (or wing) that is noticeable. Also notice that one foot is disconnected from the rest of the body. Is it simply the clumsy brush stroke error of a child learning to paint? Or is it something far more sinister? I'll let you decide for yourself...

Used Elvis Stamp

Title: Elvis Stamp, Used
Date: Sometime after 1992
Category: Stamp
Current status: Recycled

Among the many dumb things that Ray and became fascinated with in the early 90's was Elvis. Not the young, popular rockin' Elvis... and not really old, fat jumpsuit Vegas Elvis either. Ours was some weird, hyper-amalgamated super Elvis. Probably more in line with old, fat jumpsuit Elvis, but more godlike. The big E used to hang around us all the time, usually possessing one of us in order to do things like try and get us to stop for food, explain his weird philosophy, or use the Elvis Side of the Force to royally screw things up and turn traffic lights red. Jerk.

I realize this makes no sense. Perhaps down the road, I will go into more detail on the John & Ray version of Elvis. At any rate, I was giving you some background on why I would have this thing.

Ray and I thought Elvis was ridiculous and his music was goofy. And so we decided to look for cheap, silly Elvis stuff. When the US Postal Service released these Elvis stamps back in 1992, we thought they were neat. We were disappointed it wasn't jumpsuit Elvis, but it was still a goofy looking image of The King. I bought some on the first day of issue and put them in a little frame. When somebody sent me a card with an Elvis stamp (might've been my mom... she would often play along with the dumb things we did although she seemed bewildered when we told people that she wrote songs for Wang Chung to help pay for grad school), I decided that I needed to also keep a cancelled Elvis stamp to go with the unused one. So it, like the unused stamps, the autographed photocopied picture of an Elvis Impersonator, the Floors-A-Plenty brochure, the Irish 5 pound note, the piece of cheese, and a multitude of other odd items, went up on the Wall of Stupid in my bedroom.

The Wall of Stupid was an area in one corner that was covered in a black & white checkerboard plastic tablecloth (2-Tone Ska period) where I stapled any odd thing that I took a liking to. It was pretty well covered. I'm pretty sure I have some pictures somewhere and I'll be sure to share.

Anyway, that's about it about the stamp. It was a stamp... with Elvis on it. Kinda boring really.

Ticket Stub for Tombstone

Title: Tombstone Ticket Stub
Date: January 2, 1994
Theater: AMC Hulen
Category: Ticket Stub
Current Status: In the ticket stub folder

Remember this movie? It's a western about the Earp brothers, Doc Holliday, The Clantons, and the gunfight at the OK Corral. It has an all-star cast like Kurt "Snake" Russell, Val "Batman" Kilmer, Sam "I'm in every cowboy movie ever made" Elliot, and Bill "Punk Leader in The Terminator" Paxton. What a cast! And then there's the other guys like Dana Delaney, that Brandon guy from 90210, the dumb mechanic dude from "Wings", Powers Boothe, and some guy named Charlton Heston.

Why the hell was Charlton Heston in this movie? Was it just because there were guns everywhere?

At any rate, there are a bunch of other people you'd recognize too, like Billy Zane, Frank Stallone, John Corbett, Terry O'Quinn, and a guy named Wyatt Earp who is apparently an actual distant relative of the original Wyatt Earp. It's one of those movies where you constantly go, "Hey! It's that guy!"

Apparently, this movie is relatively accurate as far as I can tell, although much of the facts about the actual gunfight are still debated. At any rate, despite Kurt Russell, it's a pretty good flick. It's managed to add a ridiculous catchphrase into pop culture... the fabulous "I'm your Huckleberry." In fact, I heard a couple of guys talking about it the other day. One guy was talking about "Young Guns II" and then said "I'm your Huckleberry" at which point the other guy said "No, that's Tombstone" and the first guy says, "Oh yeah... Young Guns was 'I'll make ya famous'."
Riveting wasn't it. It was for me too. I was in Arkansas and you take whatever entertainment you can get.

In a side note, Ray and I saw this at the AMC Hulen (which is now Starplex or something... they have $1 hotdogs). The AMC Hulen was great because it was a fairly nice theater that wasn't packed so you could watch a movie in relative comfort and peace.
My favorite memory of the AMC Hulen was this time that Ray and I saw Van Cliburn there. He was seeing something, not the same movie we were, and I don't remember either movie. What I do remember was that we didn't want to bother him since he was obviously just out to catch a flick in peace and that he was fascinated by the giant pickles they sold at the concession stand. It was pretty clear VC didn't get out amongst the plebes all that often.