UEFA Champions League Final Betting Ticket

Title: Betting Ticket for the 2006 Champions League Final
Date: 5/17/06
Category: Bad Ideas
Current Status: Painful reminder of why I don't gamble

So, the first time I ever went to Las Vegas was in May of 2006. I'm still not a fan of Vegas, and really have no desire to go back, but I'm kinda glad I saw it at least once (I was forced to go back one other time about a year later).

The day we were leaving, my beloved Arsenal (aka "The team that always does better than 95% of all the other clubs, but never wins anything") was playing in the UEFA Champions League Final in Paris against stupid ol' Barcelona. Since I had some time, I thought it might be fun to try and find a place that was showing the match and, what the hell, place a bet on my Gunners.

I started wandering from place to place asking if anybody was taking bets on the match. We came across another guy who was looking for the same thing and we sorta teamed up. Barbary Coast (which really looks like late 60's dump) was taking bets. But that's not where we watched it. Oddly enough, the Paris Hotel & Casino was the place we decided to watch the match. We were able to place bets and watch the match. So, in a stupid way, I got to watch the match "in Paris."

I don't like gambling. I'm not opposed to it in any sort of moral sense... hell, I think we should have it in Texas (why should Oklahoma and Louisiana get money that should stay here?)... I just don't enjoy it. Besides, I have an obsessive personality and I really don't need to learn to enjoy something that preys on obsessive personalities. But, I figured... hey, when am I ever going to be in Vegas again when my favorite footie team is playing a major tourney final. I figured just having the ticket would be an interesting souvenir. So ponied up $10.

So anyway, the match comes on and me and this guy we met are sitting there watching it (Leigh wandered off to do some shopping or something). We're chatting back and forth and I discover that he's originally from Dallas, but lives in L.A. cuz he wants to be an actor (how original). He was once on the game show Distraction and is also a member of Drew Carey's LA Soccer Hooligans or something. I wish I could remember the guy's name, but I have no clue. He said he was rooting for Arsenal, but he figured Barca would win so he put money on them.

Our flight was in the afternoon, so I had to leave at halftime. Actor guy offered to hold onto my ticket in case Arsenal won and then he'd mail me the winnings, but I just decided I'd rather have the ticket anyway (it turned out to be a moot point since Arsenal lost).

Man, I hate Vegas....

Rock n' Roll Paper Plate

Title: Total Foxes Set List
Date: 6/2/07
Category: Concert Trash
Current Status: In the dishwasher

Gal's Panic... one of the most awesome bands ever. An Austin based band from the 90's that had some ska overtones and waaaaaay too much energy.

In 2007, Jerm Pollet and Lance Fever got the band back together and played a reunion gig at Emo's in Austin. It was fantabulous. The wife went with me and while she stood in the back, I proceeded to worm my way through the pit and grab a front and center position in front of the band. I also managed to increase my tinnitus and become a disgusting glob of stinky sweat. But hey, it's rock n' roll!

There were three other bands on the bill that night: The Total Foxes (starring Jerm Pollet), The Catfish Hunters (featuring Jerm Pollet), and Dan Potthast (from MU330). I enjoyed all of it, and bought many CDs that evening. But that wasn't enough... oh no... I had to get autographs! I had nothing to write on of course, but fortunately, I found this paper plate that The Total Foxes put their set list on! I had to borrow a pen too, as I was horribly unprepared, but I got Jerm and Lance to sign one side and Dan Potthast to sign the other! Wheeeeee!!!!

I do remember the first time I saw them... they opened up for the Grown-Ups at the fondly remembered Mad Hatter's on Magnolia in Fort Worth. I thought they were crazy... crazy enough that I enjoyed seeing them again in Dallas at (I think) the Orbit Room. I don't remember much about that show except that Ray and I spent an hour or so sitting in the back of the club doing stupid crap. There was fire involved at one point... fire that should not have been occurring in the club.

I didn't get to see Gal's Panic when the did another reunion (fundraiser) show a few months back. *sniff* Maybe next time.

Cow Art

Title: Framed Picture of a Cow
Date: Unknown
Category: Sweet Ass Art
Current Status: Prominently displayed in my backyard tool shed

Look out Leonardo! Move over Monet! Piss off Picasso! Ya'll have been Art Slapped by this fine piece of homey bovine goodness.
Cows rock... I mean, let's face it... they are a goofy animal. They produce tasty milk and tasty meat and other than that, they just kinda stand around looking bored. And yet, there is something truly awesome about cows. Perhaps it was Gary Larson's use of these mammals that injected their image with some badassedness... who knows.
Maybe it was that stupid "It's a Cow Christmas" tape, but for whatever reason, Ray and I liked cows. Not as much as ducks, of course, but they were a close second. I have a bunch of cow junk... a cookie jar, a terracotta shelf decoration, a bandanna... at one point I even had a small stuffed toy cow (named "Cow") that would "moo" three times if you squeezed it. Cow used to hang out with me in High School. Once, during an Academic Decathlon training session led by the infamous Mr. Danielson, that bum Will Chesser reached over and squeezed Cow and so everybody in the room looked at me like I was a freak. Jerk.

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure where this came from, but I believe it was yet another "gift" from Ray for our annual "Terrible Gift Exchange" for Christmas. It was really more of a competition than a meaningful gift swap. See who could get the other the most useless stuff for $10. Quantity was obviously more important than quality.

Take a look at the back...

doesn't that just scream "masterpiece"?!!? I mean, I bet Rembrandt never had the brilliant idea to paint on cardboard and add a bar code to make selling his work easier. Loser.

Bela Lugosi vs Count Chocula

Title: Special Edition Count Chocula Box
Date: 1987?
Category: Cereal Box
Current Status: Sucking

What the hell?!?!? Bauhaus was wrong... Bela Lugosi lives and he's terrorizing cartoon cereal mascots.

I have some vague memory of the General mills Monster cereals doing this Universal Monster tie-in... Frankenberry was visited by Boris Karloff's Frankenstein's Monster as well. At any rate, back in the days when I could somehow manage to eat bowls of these types of cereals without my teeth hurting from all the sugar, I used to dig Chocula (and sometimes Frankenberry... occasionally Yummy Mummy... but fuck Booberry... that was nasty).
I assume I thought the box was pretty cool, since I cut the front off and saved it, although I'm not sure for what purpose I did so. There are no obvious push pin or staple holes indicating that it was part of my awesome bedroom wall decorations, so presumably, this just went intro one of my infamous "save" boxes... boxes that served only to hold treasured crap like this and stored in the attic.

I like this picture though. It's kinda funny. I mean, seriously Count Chocula, what are you afraid of? I'm fairly certain that neither Bela Lugosi nor the real Dracula (or any vampire) would actually attempt to suck whatever bizarre sugary ooze no doubt fills your freakish body. For that matter, Lugosi's image seems to have a bit of Alfred E. Neuman in it. He looks less mysterious and scary and more amused at the goofy brown guy running away.

Interestingly, there are two versions of this cereal box, one of which caused controversy. Apparently the original version had Bela wearing some pointy star that some thought was a Star of David (although others claimed it was ACTUALLY the Maltese Cross from the Order of the Thelemic Knights or the Order of Saint John) and people complained. So they basically airbrushed the star out for later production runs. Of course, now the Star box is collectible, sometimes going for a few hundred bucks. (More about this story here)

My First Book

Title: My First Story

Date: Early 80's

Category: Literature

Current status: Currently looking for a publisher and/or movie deal



This was my first attempt at writing a book. Seriously. I can tell you the EXACT circumstances that brought this masterpiece to light.



In 1982, The Jedi Master's Quizbook was published. The author was an 11-year-old kid named Rusty Miller. I had acquired the book somehow (I was 7, so who knows how I got it) and decided that if this goofy kid could write a book (or at least, compile a bunch of trivia questions into a book), the surely I could write a book.



Having never written a book before, I was clueless as to how to go about doing it. Obviously. I didn't sketch out a plot, I didn't concern myself with any sort of planning for characters, settings, or what the story was even supposed to be about. And, since I was 7, I asked my dad to type it as I dictated to him.



I remember clearly, pacing the kitchen while my dad sat at the breakfast table typing whatever nonsense came out of my mouth. I also remember him getting frustrated as I spent way to long trying to decide to whom I wanted to dedicate the book. He wisely suggested that it could wait until later and that I should actually write the story first.



I think he got pretty tired of being my secretary and so I know I typed some of this myself. I'm actually not sure what he typed and what I typed... for that matter, I can't actually tell whether he started typing or if I started typing. Doesn't really matter, I suppose, since it all looks like it was typed by 7 year old.

As for the story itself... well... crap... it starts off as some sort of poorly conceived tale of an incredibly boring alien (Fred) on another planet. The economy on this planet is apparently reliant on sea shells that anybody can go pick up on the shore. Except that they also eat the clam shells. It must be some primitive bartering system. Not sure. They apparently have modern technology similar to Earth, but they haven't developed a monetary system that makes any sense.

The story, at first, seems to loosely revolve around Fred needing to get clam shells to pay for damaged he caused by turning over a "dirt dumper" in the Mayor's yard. Mostly, it's just dull details about the boring events of Fred's day.

I guess I got bored with Fred too because on page 4 (right after the highly ridiculous capture of a dangerous crook by Fred), the story focuses on Fred's kids, Jack & Krissy. I'm not sure if the names were inspired by 3's Company or (more likely) they are based on me and my sister. Jack & Krissy are just as boring as their father and not even the introduction of a baby can make this story all that interesting.

Really though, there may actually be two reasons to read this 8 page literary triumph:

1) It's so unbelievably boring and ridiculous that you have to actually read it to believe that it is so boring and ridiculous and

2) I think there must be some actual family problems poking around in this thing that were bothering me when I wrote this. I'm sure psychologists would have a field day.

If you REALLY want to find out how this horrible thing ends, check out the full 8 page Masterpiece Here.

Baseball Card of Me on a Blue Team

Title: Soon to be cut from the team
Date: Sometime around 1983
Category: Baseball Card
Current status: Off to get professionally graded and auctioned off

With Baseball Season just around the corner, I like to think back on all those times when I dressed up in a miniature baseball uniform and went and stood in the outfield for several hours on a Saturday morning.
I played some form of baseball with the YMCA for about 5 years. There was T-ball, and 5-pitch, and then actual baseball. I think this one might have been actual baseball, but I don't remember. My baseball career was incredibly forgettable.
In fact, the only things worth mentioning is that I hit a grand slam once, played catcher and outfield, was pretty fast, and I spent a few years playing with Matt Blank, who would grow up to pitch for the Montreal Expos. There really isn't much else worth mentioning.
I do want to point out my stylin' wristbands that don't really match the uniform. The other thing I'd like to point out is my fabulous teeth, which were my most valuable feature during my baseball years, because my teammates could use them to open the sodas we got at the end of the game.

Here, for no good reason, is the back of the card, featuring absolutely nothing useful.

Merry Christmas Printout

Title: Merry Christmas Printout
Date: December, year unknown
Category: Holiday Decorations
Current status: Recycled

Man, dot matrix printers. Gotta love em. This was most likely created using some horrifying Commodore 64 program. Or maybe an early Apple computer. I don't recall. I do know that is was done on some snazzy white paper that was part of a toilet paper like ream with thos annoying feeder hole strips on the side. So, once you printed out your glorious 24-pin low res black & white picture (at 1/2 ppm), you got to try and tear stuff off all four sides without ripping the main sheet.

At one time, this was some high technology and everybody was just astounded that we could make these graven images out of little black dots. Sure they were blocky and in black and white and looked like they were created with the use of a straight edge, but man, computer printed graphics. It revolutionized the way kids made crappy projects for school. No more crayon drawings or pictures cut from magazines. No sir! Now you could tell your 25 Mhz 386 to print a picture of something that looked vaguely like a decorated evergreen along with some text in a font that looks like it was created for a low budget cartoon. Awesome!