My First Book

Title: My First Story

Date: Early 80's

Category: Literature

Current status: Currently looking for a publisher and/or movie deal



This was my first attempt at writing a book. Seriously. I can tell you the EXACT circumstances that brought this masterpiece to light.



In 1982, The Jedi Master's Quizbook was published. The author was an 11-year-old kid named Rusty Miller. I had acquired the book somehow (I was 7, so who knows how I got it) and decided that if this goofy kid could write a book (or at least, compile a bunch of trivia questions into a book), the surely I could write a book.



Having never written a book before, I was clueless as to how to go about doing it. Obviously. I didn't sketch out a plot, I didn't concern myself with any sort of planning for characters, settings, or what the story was even supposed to be about. And, since I was 7, I asked my dad to type it as I dictated to him.



I remember clearly, pacing the kitchen while my dad sat at the breakfast table typing whatever nonsense came out of my mouth. I also remember him getting frustrated as I spent way to long trying to decide to whom I wanted to dedicate the book. He wisely suggested that it could wait until later and that I should actually write the story first.



I think he got pretty tired of being my secretary and so I know I typed some of this myself. I'm actually not sure what he typed and what I typed... for that matter, I can't actually tell whether he started typing or if I started typing. Doesn't really matter, I suppose, since it all looks like it was typed by 7 year old.

As for the story itself... well... crap... it starts off as some sort of poorly conceived tale of an incredibly boring alien (Fred) on another planet. The economy on this planet is apparently reliant on sea shells that anybody can go pick up on the shore. Except that they also eat the clam shells. It must be some primitive bartering system. Not sure. They apparently have modern technology similar to Earth, but they haven't developed a monetary system that makes any sense.

The story, at first, seems to loosely revolve around Fred needing to get clam shells to pay for damaged he caused by turning over a "dirt dumper" in the Mayor's yard. Mostly, it's just dull details about the boring events of Fred's day.

I guess I got bored with Fred too because on page 4 (right after the highly ridiculous capture of a dangerous crook by Fred), the story focuses on Fred's kids, Jack & Krissy. I'm not sure if the names were inspired by 3's Company or (more likely) they are based on me and my sister. Jack & Krissy are just as boring as their father and not even the introduction of a baby can make this story all that interesting.

Really though, there may actually be two reasons to read this 8 page literary triumph:

1) It's so unbelievably boring and ridiculous that you have to actually read it to believe that it is so boring and ridiculous and

2) I think there must be some actual family problems poking around in this thing that were bothering me when I wrote this. I'm sure psychologists would have a field day.

If you REALLY want to find out how this horrible thing ends, check out the full 8 page Masterpiece Here.