Mailing Label

Title: Address Label from Colt West of Fox 18
Date: 1996?
Category: Random Scraps of Paper
Current Status: Recycled

Why the hell did I save this?

This was on a package sent to me by one Colt West of Wichita Falls who worked for the Fox affiliate up there. I'm not really sure what came in the box though, because my memory of actually dealing with Colt West places the exchange of goods in my living room.
Here's the story... back around 1996, I was all into toy collecting. Star Wars figures were coming back and I just got bit by the whole action figure thing. Playmates, who had the license to make Star Trek figures, decided to do something stupid and piss off toy collectors. They released a special edition Jean-Luc Picard figure depicting him from the fan favorite episode "Tapestry." The problem with this was that they only made a total of 1701 figures for this piece. That's a pretty small production run.
Despite not knowing jack squat about this figure, I found one purely by accident at the old Cherry Lane Target. I remember looking at the thing and thinking "That's gotta be a rarity!" Back then, though, eBay was just getting started and the web was a whole lot of lame websites and text discussion boards. So, I found a board devoted to toys and started asking around. The responses I received made it sound like I had the Holy Grail. There was really no way to gauge it's worth, though. So, I was kinda looking for a trade.
Colt West, a Star Trek collector started emailing back and forth and he had the two hardest to find Tick figures: Die Fledermaus and Man-Eating Cow. I actually collected Tick toys and these two were hard as hell to get, sometimes going for $75 apiece. So, we decided to trade. He'd give me the Tick figures for the Picard. And one Saturday, he came to my house and we made the trade.
Now, I think the reason behind the package that the above label was affixed, was that he threw in a couple of Batman: The Animated Series figures as well. He didn't have them with him when he came to Arlington so he shipped them to me instead. Of course, none of this explains why I kept this label.

At one point, I think the Picard figure peaked at about $1000. There are usually some on eBay going for $200-700, but it doesn't seem like they actually sell very often. This one was pretty much a disaster for Playmates and it's not a real popular figure. It kinda helped kill the line since so many collectors couldn't get one that they just gave up collecting since they'd never be able to complete their collections.

One other related story about this... Ray and I, who tended to hang out on discussion boards largely to just act like fools (I guess we'd be considered "trolls" now), decided to have some fun and we posted a goofy tale about going to Dunkin' Donuts and finding the ultra rare Tapestry strawberry frosted donut with sprinkles, mint in its original wax paper. Everybody seemed to like that and got the joke. I wish I could find a copy of the original post, but I don't seem to have one saved. Yeah, I didn't save a good piece of humor but I did save an utterly worthless mailing label. Go figure.

McDonald's Changeables Chicken McNuggets

Title: McDonald's Happy Meal Toy: Changeables Chicken McNuggets
Date: 1987
Category: Toys
Current Status: Recycled

You remember when Transformers were all the rage and they were on all the toy aisles and kids just couldn't get enough? No, not now... not that crappy ass Megan Fox Transformers crap where all the robots look like they were pieced together from junk found in a Fry's Electronics Store Dumpster and THERE AIN'T NO FREAKIN' DINOBOTS IN IT... no I'm talking 'bout the '80's. Ahhhhh... the '80's... ridiculous clothes, ludicrous hair, synthesized music, and all the half hour toy commercials disguised as cartoon programs a kid could could want... which means about a gazillion cheap pieces of plastic that kids would also want.
Of course, McDonald's, the soulless American corporation that can only tell the difference between the mammals they serve and the other mammals they serve because one set comes on a bun and is handed over to the other when they give McDonald's some money. Kids and their parents are pretty much cattle with money and McDonald's is damn good about finding just the right type of plastic cud to drive the calves wild so they are first into the slaughter shoot with their parents in tow.
So, back in 1987, a good three years after the Transformers first showed up, McDonald's rolled out the "Changeables"... small toys that transformed from McDonald's food into robots. Never mind the fact that they missed the point of what made Transformers so cool in the first place... it was two toys in one! You know, a car and a robot... or a plane and a robot... or a microscope and a robot... it was twice the fun. So, it seems kinda stupid to have things that change from a box of fries or a hamburger or a drink cup into a robot. I mean, yeah, it's still a thing that turns into a robot, but hell... how much fun can you have with a plastic representation of a styrofoam box? Unless you happen to be the Ozone layer or an artery, polystyrene containing fatty fried chunks of something vaguely like chicken isn't all that intimidating... or fun. To quote one of my all time favorite pizza commercials, "What am I gonna do with a box?" Think of the hours of fun a kid can have playing with a food container! Rescue kidnapped presidents by infiltrating the secret hideout in a bag of fast food! Stop alien invaders by waiting for them to order at a chain restaurant!
Anyway, the picture above is actually of the little paper insert that came with the toy. I'm not sure if I still have the toy. Probably, but it's probably in a different box somewhere.
I particularly like the instructions... because this is obviously such a complicated toy that it requires a Master's Degree in Engineering to figure out.

UEFA Champions League Final Betting Ticket

Title: Betting Ticket for the 2006 Champions League Final
Date: 5/17/06
Category: Bad Ideas
Current Status: Painful reminder of why I don't gamble

So, the first time I ever went to Las Vegas was in May of 2006. I'm still not a fan of Vegas, and really have no desire to go back, but I'm kinda glad I saw it at least once (I was forced to go back one other time about a year later).

The day we were leaving, my beloved Arsenal (aka "The team that always does better than 95% of all the other clubs, but never wins anything") was playing in the UEFA Champions League Final in Paris against stupid ol' Barcelona. Since I had some time, I thought it might be fun to try and find a place that was showing the match and, what the hell, place a bet on my Gunners.

I started wandering from place to place asking if anybody was taking bets on the match. We came across another guy who was looking for the same thing and we sorta teamed up. Barbary Coast (which really looks like late 60's dump) was taking bets. But that's not where we watched it. Oddly enough, the Paris Hotel & Casino was the place we decided to watch the match. We were able to place bets and watch the match. So, in a stupid way, I got to watch the match "in Paris."

I don't like gambling. I'm not opposed to it in any sort of moral sense... hell, I think we should have it in Texas (why should Oklahoma and Louisiana get money that should stay here?)... I just don't enjoy it. Besides, I have an obsessive personality and I really don't need to learn to enjoy something that preys on obsessive personalities. But, I figured... hey, when am I ever going to be in Vegas again when my favorite footie team is playing a major tourney final. I figured just having the ticket would be an interesting souvenir. So ponied up $10.

So anyway, the match comes on and me and this guy we met are sitting there watching it (Leigh wandered off to do some shopping or something). We're chatting back and forth and I discover that he's originally from Dallas, but lives in L.A. cuz he wants to be an actor (how original). He was once on the game show Distraction and is also a member of Drew Carey's LA Soccer Hooligans or something. I wish I could remember the guy's name, but I have no clue. He said he was rooting for Arsenal, but he figured Barca would win so he put money on them.

Our flight was in the afternoon, so I had to leave at halftime. Actor guy offered to hold onto my ticket in case Arsenal won and then he'd mail me the winnings, but I just decided I'd rather have the ticket anyway (it turned out to be a moot point since Arsenal lost).

Man, I hate Vegas....

Rock n' Roll Paper Plate

Title: Total Foxes Set List
Date: 6/2/07
Category: Concert Trash
Current Status: In the dishwasher

Gal's Panic... one of the most awesome bands ever. An Austin based band from the 90's that had some ska overtones and waaaaaay too much energy.

In 2007, Jerm Pollet and Lance Fever got the band back together and played a reunion gig at Emo's in Austin. It was fantabulous. The wife went with me and while she stood in the back, I proceeded to worm my way through the pit and grab a front and center position in front of the band. I also managed to increase my tinnitus and become a disgusting glob of stinky sweat. But hey, it's rock n' roll!

There were three other bands on the bill that night: The Total Foxes (starring Jerm Pollet), The Catfish Hunters (featuring Jerm Pollet), and Dan Potthast (from MU330). I enjoyed all of it, and bought many CDs that evening. But that wasn't enough... oh no... I had to get autographs! I had nothing to write on of course, but fortunately, I found this paper plate that The Total Foxes put their set list on! I had to borrow a pen too, as I was horribly unprepared, but I got Jerm and Lance to sign one side and Dan Potthast to sign the other! Wheeeeee!!!!

I do remember the first time I saw them... they opened up for the Grown-Ups at the fondly remembered Mad Hatter's on Magnolia in Fort Worth. I thought they were crazy... crazy enough that I enjoyed seeing them again in Dallas at (I think) the Orbit Room. I don't remember much about that show except that Ray and I spent an hour or so sitting in the back of the club doing stupid crap. There was fire involved at one point... fire that should not have been occurring in the club.

I didn't get to see Gal's Panic when the did another reunion (fundraiser) show a few months back. *sniff* Maybe next time.

Cow Art

Title: Framed Picture of a Cow
Date: Unknown
Category: Sweet Ass Art
Current Status: Prominently displayed in my backyard tool shed

Look out Leonardo! Move over Monet! Piss off Picasso! Ya'll have been Art Slapped by this fine piece of homey bovine goodness.
Cows rock... I mean, let's face it... they are a goofy animal. They produce tasty milk and tasty meat and other than that, they just kinda stand around looking bored. And yet, there is something truly awesome about cows. Perhaps it was Gary Larson's use of these mammals that injected their image with some badassedness... who knows.
Maybe it was that stupid "It's a Cow Christmas" tape, but for whatever reason, Ray and I liked cows. Not as much as ducks, of course, but they were a close second. I have a bunch of cow junk... a cookie jar, a terracotta shelf decoration, a bandanna... at one point I even had a small stuffed toy cow (named "Cow") that would "moo" three times if you squeezed it. Cow used to hang out with me in High School. Once, during an Academic Decathlon training session led by the infamous Mr. Danielson, that bum Will Chesser reached over and squeezed Cow and so everybody in the room looked at me like I was a freak. Jerk.

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure where this came from, but I believe it was yet another "gift" from Ray for our annual "Terrible Gift Exchange" for Christmas. It was really more of a competition than a meaningful gift swap. See who could get the other the most useless stuff for $10. Quantity was obviously more important than quality.

Take a look at the back...

doesn't that just scream "masterpiece"?!!? I mean, I bet Rembrandt never had the brilliant idea to paint on cardboard and add a bar code to make selling his work easier. Loser.

Bela Lugosi vs Count Chocula

Title: Special Edition Count Chocula Box
Date: 1987?
Category: Cereal Box
Current Status: Sucking

What the hell?!?!? Bauhaus was wrong... Bela Lugosi lives and he's terrorizing cartoon cereal mascots.

I have some vague memory of the General mills Monster cereals doing this Universal Monster tie-in... Frankenberry was visited by Boris Karloff's Frankenstein's Monster as well. At any rate, back in the days when I could somehow manage to eat bowls of these types of cereals without my teeth hurting from all the sugar, I used to dig Chocula (and sometimes Frankenberry... occasionally Yummy Mummy... but fuck Booberry... that was nasty).
I assume I thought the box was pretty cool, since I cut the front off and saved it, although I'm not sure for what purpose I did so. There are no obvious push pin or staple holes indicating that it was part of my awesome bedroom wall decorations, so presumably, this just went intro one of my infamous "save" boxes... boxes that served only to hold treasured crap like this and stored in the attic.

I like this picture though. It's kinda funny. I mean, seriously Count Chocula, what are you afraid of? I'm fairly certain that neither Bela Lugosi nor the real Dracula (or any vampire) would actually attempt to suck whatever bizarre sugary ooze no doubt fills your freakish body. For that matter, Lugosi's image seems to have a bit of Alfred E. Neuman in it. He looks less mysterious and scary and more amused at the goofy brown guy running away.

Interestingly, there are two versions of this cereal box, one of which caused controversy. Apparently the original version had Bela wearing some pointy star that some thought was a Star of David (although others claimed it was ACTUALLY the Maltese Cross from the Order of the Thelemic Knights or the Order of Saint John) and people complained. So they basically airbrushed the star out for later production runs. Of course, now the Star box is collectible, sometimes going for a few hundred bucks. (More about this story here)

My First Book

Title: My First Story

Date: Early 80's

Category: Literature

Current status: Currently looking for a publisher and/or movie deal



This was my first attempt at writing a book. Seriously. I can tell you the EXACT circumstances that brought this masterpiece to light.



In 1982, The Jedi Master's Quizbook was published. The author was an 11-year-old kid named Rusty Miller. I had acquired the book somehow (I was 7, so who knows how I got it) and decided that if this goofy kid could write a book (or at least, compile a bunch of trivia questions into a book), the surely I could write a book.



Having never written a book before, I was clueless as to how to go about doing it. Obviously. I didn't sketch out a plot, I didn't concern myself with any sort of planning for characters, settings, or what the story was even supposed to be about. And, since I was 7, I asked my dad to type it as I dictated to him.



I remember clearly, pacing the kitchen while my dad sat at the breakfast table typing whatever nonsense came out of my mouth. I also remember him getting frustrated as I spent way to long trying to decide to whom I wanted to dedicate the book. He wisely suggested that it could wait until later and that I should actually write the story first.



I think he got pretty tired of being my secretary and so I know I typed some of this myself. I'm actually not sure what he typed and what I typed... for that matter, I can't actually tell whether he started typing or if I started typing. Doesn't really matter, I suppose, since it all looks like it was typed by 7 year old.

As for the story itself... well... crap... it starts off as some sort of poorly conceived tale of an incredibly boring alien (Fred) on another planet. The economy on this planet is apparently reliant on sea shells that anybody can go pick up on the shore. Except that they also eat the clam shells. It must be some primitive bartering system. Not sure. They apparently have modern technology similar to Earth, but they haven't developed a monetary system that makes any sense.

The story, at first, seems to loosely revolve around Fred needing to get clam shells to pay for damaged he caused by turning over a "dirt dumper" in the Mayor's yard. Mostly, it's just dull details about the boring events of Fred's day.

I guess I got bored with Fred too because on page 4 (right after the highly ridiculous capture of a dangerous crook by Fred), the story focuses on Fred's kids, Jack & Krissy. I'm not sure if the names were inspired by 3's Company or (more likely) they are based on me and my sister. Jack & Krissy are just as boring as their father and not even the introduction of a baby can make this story all that interesting.

Really though, there may actually be two reasons to read this 8 page literary triumph:

1) It's so unbelievably boring and ridiculous that you have to actually read it to believe that it is so boring and ridiculous and

2) I think there must be some actual family problems poking around in this thing that were bothering me when I wrote this. I'm sure psychologists would have a field day.

If you REALLY want to find out how this horrible thing ends, check out the full 8 page Masterpiece Here.